BOX WITH DOCUMENTS

Echoes of the past

It was the first time I was back in Serbia since both of my parents were gone. Sloba, my older brother, found himself as the sole occupant of the residence that our parents and he had relocated to in 1989. The apartment held an air of desolation; the lack of sunlight and coldness exacerbated the sense of melancholy. I pondered how much living in it might have affected my parents and Sloba over the years. It was undoubtedly a challenging environment to navigate emotionally, and I instinctively sought to limit my time spent within those oppressive walls.

Unfortunately, the weather outside offered me no respite. Rain poured, winds howled, and coldness seeped through every crack and crevice, effectively trapping me indoors for longer than I desired. With limited options to escape the elements, I decided to explore the remnants of my family's past, through the collection of photographs and documents left behind.

Sloba, acting as the custodian of these artifacts, assured me that they belonged to both of us and welcomed my exploration. As I sifted through the tangible fragments of my family's history, a mix of nostalgia and sorrow filled my mental space. Each photograph revealed glimpses of memories serving as portals to a bygone era. The documents, carefully preserved by Sloba, offered insights into events that shaped my parents' lives.

In that apartment, where time seemed to stand still, I became both an observer and participant in the lives of those who occupied its space. Sloba, a guardian of the past, provided support in his role as the keeper of this family treasure. Through his presence, I felt a connection to a time and place that was slipping away. Together, we traversed the memories, finding solace and meaning in the melancholic ambiance.

Unveiling the veiled soul

As I carefully opened the weathered box of documents that my late father had left behind, I stepped into a hidden realm that had once been his inner world. Among the scattered papers, my eyes spotted a series of pages detailing my father's nightmarish dreams that tormented him in the last year of his life. In these haunting paranoid dreams, he grappled with phantoms and inner demons manifesting themselves in surreal and unsettling ways.

As I looked further into the disarray of papers, I stumbled upon a different side of my father's emotional spectrum. I discovered writings that spoke of his anger towards my mother. It was a surprising revelation to find evidence of their strife and the conflict that had strained their relationship at the end of his life. One particular incident was described in his own words, a seemingly insignificant clash over their choice of entertainment. My mother had expressed a simple desire to enjoy her favorite television program while my father was engrossed in a thrilling soccer game. The intensity of my father's fury leaped off the pages, revealing a deep sense of disrespect and mistreatment that had festered within him. The weight of his emotions permeated his words, conveying profound frustration and disillusionment.

What I read left me with a partial understanding of my father's internal struggles. It became evident that the anger and resentment he harbored towards my mother were not merely about the television program but rather a culmination of unaddressed grievances and unfulfilled emotional needs. In his desperate search for solace and escape, he had contemplated the idea of leaving my mother behind, yearning to retreat to his hometown of Pirot, or even finding peace of mind in a separate apartment in Belgrade.

In my father's silent battles, I glimpsed the human complexities and the fragility of relationships. His written account spoke about his desire for a peaceful existence, an escape from the anguish that had consumed his later years. My father's inner world had been laid bare before me, revealing a vulnerable soul burdened by dreams and emotions that had remained mostly hidden from those closest to him.

The experience of reading my father’s thoughts and feelings was not an easy one, and I shared the contents of my discovery with Sloba, who expressed surprise at our father's frankness. Sloba knew our father to be usually reserved and formal in his emotional expression. It became evident to both of us that this outpouring was atypical of our father. Sloba astutely connected the dots between our father's disturbing nightmares and the raw vulnerability conveyed through his written words.

Seeking the authenticity

I found myself caught in a state of uncertainty when faced with the decision of whether or not to unveil my father's private writings about his relationship with my mother. However, after much contemplation, I ultimately chose to proceed with it. One of the remorseful aspects of my life is the fact that I never truly got to know my father intimately. This unfortunate circumstance was a result of both my physical absence from his life and his own struggles in disassociating himself from the façade created by societal roles.

Throughout my father's existence, the genuine essence of his being remained elusive. He seemed to be perpetually immersed in the portrayal of his designated roles, preventing his authentic self from emerging. However, within his spontaneous writing, I caught a rare glimpse of his true nature, an aberration that I simply couldn't afford to overlook. As someone trained in the field of psychiatry, I recognized the immense value in his forceful unrefined voice, unburdened by the constraints imposed by the superego-driven existence.

By sharing the content of my father's intimate writings, I aimed to unravel the enigma surrounding his identity and gain insight into the depths of his emotions and experiences. It was my earnest attempt to bridge the gap that had separated us, to forge a connection with a man who remained somewhat of a mystery to me.

In the end, my decision was driven by a need to uncover the genuine essence of the man I called my father. The psychiatrist within me recognized the significance of this rare opportunity, viewing it as a window into his soul, unfiltered by societal expectations. Through this act, I hoped to bring forth a version of my father that transcended the roles he had to play.

The burden of financial vigilance

In addition to this dairy-style writing of my father, I was taken aback by another type of his writing—the meticulously documented every single expense, right up until the final month of his life. His dedication to keeping track of even the minutest details extended beyond the realm of mere financial responsibility. I was surprised to find that he had gone so far as to write a strongly worded letter of complaint when he discovered an overcharge for heat and utilities, vehemently objecting to the discrepancy.

Witnessing my father's meticulousness in handling his finances left me pondering the immense mental energy he must have devoted to thoughts of money. It was evident that he harbored a deep-rooted fear of running out of money, constantly vigilant in the face of potential financial ruin.

It seems that my father’s scrupulous documentation was a means of asserting control over his financial situation. By carefully monitoring and challenging any irregularities, he sought to ensure a sense of stability in the middle of the unpredictable nature of economic circumstances or societal dishonesty.

However, it also highlighted the fact that his relentless pursuit of financial record-keeping disregarded or neglected other important aspects of life. The constant vigilance required to stay afloat can be emotionally draining and I assume hindered him from fully embracing and enjoying the present moment.

My father's deep-seated anxious worry regarding money, particularly the fear of falling into debt, can be traced back to the complex dynamics within his own family and his father's struggles to provide for his loved ones. Despite facing numerous financial challenges, his father persevered, but at the cost of regrettable decisions that resulted in conflicts with his own brother. The bitter fallout stemmed from being deceived and cheated out of money, causing the rift between them. Consequently, the lines of communication between the two brothers were severed, resulting in my father's uncle and son becoming unspoken subjects, never to be brought up again. In later years, my brother played a significant role in reconnecting our father with his estranged cousin, which happened during his visit to Pirot, his hometown, where the son of his uncle resided.

Regardless of living in a time when easily accessible and affordable loans were prevalent, my father remained stubborn in his commitment to never overextend himself financially. His priority was to ensure that he could always provide for his family. This resolve was particularly evident during the 1970s when the availability of cheap loans presented tempting opportunities.

During that era, my mother and brother faced an insurmountable task in persuading him to consider taking out reasonable loans for essential items such as furniture or other necessities. His resistance was unyielding, fueled by his deeply ingrained aversion to accumulating excessive debt. In essence, I believe that my father's financial diligence can be attributed to his fear of replicating the hardships his own father endured. My father's strong inclination towards avoiding financial risks at all costs may have been beneficial during certain periods, but it also proved to be limiting when economic circumstances changed. While his cautious approach served him well in times of instability or uncertainty, it held him back from taking advantage of new opportunities and potentially higher rewards that emerged during more favorable economic conditions.

Balancing risk and reward

It's important to strike a balance between risk-avoidance and risk-taking, understanding that prudent decision-making is key. Have I discovered the elusive middle ground between the two in my life? Perhaps at the present moment, but certainly not in my earlier years. There was a time when I oscillated between an excessively stringent attitude toward spending money and carefree behavior that led to accumulating significant debts. These debts threatened to engulf me, trapping me in a perpetual cycle of high-interest rates and teetering on the edge of insolvency.

When my wife and I were engaged, I mustered the courage to disclose the state of my finances to her. This revelation deeply concerned her, as it reminded her of the financial hardships she had endured in her previous marriage. Fortunately, through considerable effort and a well-paid job, I managed to free myself from the ropes of debt and create a comfortable lifestyle that allows me to fulfill reasonable desires and enjoy life.

In my pursuit of balance, I realized that finding the golden middle ground requires an equilibrium between frugality and indulgence. It's about striking the right chord between responsible financial management and allowing oneself to experience the joys and pleasures that life has to offer.

By adopting a more measured approach to spending, I learned to differentiate between essential and discretionary expenses. I became mindful of my financial goals, setting aside funds for savings and investments while also allocating a portion for leisure and enjoyment. This acquired skill not only provided me with a sense of security but also allowed me to appreciate simple pleasures without succumbing to the pitfalls of excessive spending.

Finding this middle ground also brought about a sense of tranquility in my relationship. Open communication and shared financial goals became the bedrock of our partnership, allowing us to navigate the financial landscape together with a shared vision for our future.

As time went on, I gradually honed my financial acumen, becoming more adept at discerning between wants and needs. I sought knowledge about personal finance, educated myself about investment strategies, and sought the guidance of professionals when necessary. Through these efforts, I gained confidence in my ability to maintain a balanced approach to money management and create a solid foundation for long-term financial stability.

Today, I can confidently proclaim that I have successfully uncovered the elusive golden middle ground in my life, a feat that eluded my father. The burden of transgenerational financial imbalances has been shattered, liberating me to pursue a life tailored to rational considerations in this realm between financial stability and personal fulfillment. I have embraced a mindset that acknowledges the importance of money while also prioritizing a life that resonates with my aspirations.

I trust my instincts to align with my values, passions, and long-term goals. This approach allows me to navigate the complexities of the financial landscape with grace and clarity. I feel liberated from the karma of the transgenerational survival mindset that escaped my father. In this golden middle ground, I have come to appreciate that financial freedom is not solely about accumulating wealth but also about attaining a peaceful and beautiful state of mind. It is about finding contentment in both the present and the future, knowing that I have made responsible choices living for today, and planning for tomorrow.

Unleashing ancestral constraints

As I reflect upon the contents of this intriguing box, I experience a blend of curiosity and a sense of detachment from the familial roots to which I once belonged. In this moment of introspection, I ponder about my lineage and the impact it has had on my existence. There lingers a tinge of melancholy born out of the realization that my father was affected by circumstances and unconscious programming that constrained his spirit, restricting his ability to truly embrace freedom until his final breath.

He was bound by the chains of societal expectations, ingrained beliefs, and a sense of duty that curtailed his true potential. His dreams and aspirations, suppressed by the weight of responsibilities and the clutches of conformity, were never fully realized. Within these confines, I can only imagine the dormant desires that existed within him, dreams that were whispered but never fully awakened. The circumstances that shaped his existence were undoubtedly complex. Historical, cultural, and personal factors intertwined to create a web that defined the trajectory of his life.

The more I come to terms with this realization, the more my empathy expands, allowing me to better understand and appreciate my father's distinctive personality. Through his example, I have been reminded of the importance of breaking free from unconscious programming. With this comprehension, I seek to honor his legacy by transcending the limitations that held him captive.

I strive to find freedom from societal conditioning and inherited patterns, looking to create a shift for my children and their children that is not influenced by a low-frequency vibration of the struggle for survival.

I envision a future where the ripples of my own liberation reverberate through the generations, infusing my family's legacy with a sense of possibility and potential. No longer in the shadows of the limitations of the past, my descendants will inherit a gift infused with the wisdom of our collective experiences.

By demonstrating the power of breaking free from the confines of the familiar, I aspire to instill in them the courage to challenge societal norms, embrace their authenticity, and forge their own unique destinies.

By honoring the memory of my father, I not only acknowledge the challenges he faced but also the universal struggle from the forces that hold us back, the gravity that keeps us grounded. Through my own process of personal and spiritual development, I aspire to make a meaningful contribution to the emancipation of humanity as a whole and to facilitate its evolutionary upward spiral.