Communication and trust are two main ingredients for a successful relationship - Unknown
Communicating verbally is what we humans do. It is an important means of conveying information, although non-verbal transmission is far more influential. The "body language" amplifies and enriches what words cannot express or the "producer of the word" is unwilling to communicate. Consequently, facial expressions, body position, hand gestures, eye contact, touch, distance (personal space), and vocal inflection complete, accentuate, or significantly confuse the listener. Especially if there is a discrepancy between words and non-words.
We perceive certain people as "frightening", and "intense" not because of what is said, but because of the "devouring gaze." Often, I have been experienced as “scary” in both personal and professional encounters. I had no idea I was giving that impression to other people. Even to my daughter. In a recent conversation, she confided to me that when she was a child, she was afraid of my gaze and "raised" thick eyebrows. Obviously, my concentrated listener expression was misinterpreted, but because of the verbal feedback I received, I began to pay attention to smiling as I listened. And my gaze "softened."
For my wife Tina, the need for clarification is of a different kind. If I remain silent for a while, it causes her discomfort, and that is why she often asks me at those times, "What are you thinking about?" This is not only because of her unsettledness but also because of her intuition and telepathic ability. She "receives" certain thoughts, visions, and feelings, that she wants to verify whether she has "absorbed" from me or whether they are the product of her mind. One recent example illustrates this point. It has to do with my mother. We were on a leisurely walk in the park. Both of us were silenced. Suddenly, my mother was on Tina’s mind, so she asked me what I was thinking then. I don't recall what I said to her, but my thoughts had nothing to do with my mother. My reply provided helpful information to Tina because she knew then that her thoughts about my mother had a different source and were not telepathically received from me.
As these examples illustrate, we need oral communication, so that we are not left "at the mercy" of the impressions associated with the language of the body, which, although powerful, often lacks the clarity and depth that only verbal communication can provide. For verbal communication, face-to-face interaction is best, not mediated by the technological means at our disposal in these modern times. Only in this most direct way do we transmit information by engaging more human senses than any kind of mediated communication. This is of particular relevance if we are trying to resolve disagreements or influence others.
Here I give a further example that I found in one of Tina's blogs. In there, she wrote about the “incident” on our morning walk when I uttered, “We won’t talk to them today”, seeing a neighbor and his dog across the street. She followed my request, but this prompted her to write about it in her blog. I happened to stop in her office in the middle of her writing, which resulted in our conversation. She spoke about her automated "mental-emotional reaction", the response conditioned by her past experiences but provoked by the “incident”, which led to her distress that she first suppressed, but not fully. After a period of reflective introspection, she said, “I had a glimpse of my inner self; a different preference than yours appeared. I realized that I’d often let that soft inner voice go without being listened to.” Both of us felt that this was an opportunity to practice conflict resolution. I felt secure enough in our relationship to engage further in a discussion about it without fear that it would lead to an escalation. Instead of feeling threatened by her dissension, I encouraged Tina to voice her thoughts and feelings. I valued her alertness to a hint of control that I expressed. I told her that it was important for the two of us to be free to say what we wanted to say and to accept differences in our preferences. Only by practicing this type of orientation can we become more integrated on the inside and more balanced on the outside. My wife appreciated what I had to say because I validated what she went through without feeling demeaned. We both concluded that we had successfully “passed” yet another conflict resolution exercise.
The effective conversation is filled with the skills contained in the nonviolent communication manual. * This is not a technique for ending disagreements, but rather a method for enhancing empathy and improving quality of life. Any communication that uses this way of interaction starts from three positions: truthful expression, empathetic reception, and return to the present. This means speaking openly and honestly with the least amount of criticism. Listening with curiosity and paying attention to feelings and needs beneath another person’s words. Approaching the conversation with the presence of mind, pausing to calm down when necessary, and integrating shared information and emotions. The way the conversation is initiated can have the most significant impact on the overall flow. The first and most important condition is to ask for consent to talk. Is this the right time? Is this a good place? **
Another important aspect is structuring the conversation in order to create a sense of togetherness and common purpose. One of the celebrated couples' therapists, Terry Real, recently wrote a book entitled Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship ***, in which he highlighted the division brought about by a patriarchal individualistic culture leading to separation ("You and Me"), self-preservation and rivalry. He says, “Individualism, which is fused with patriarchy, is based on the delusion that we stand apart from nature, including the nature of the relationship. Ecological wisdom is understanding we’re not above or in control of nature: we are part of it. In the same way, our relationship is our biosphere. We are in it. We breathe it.” **** This means that our relationships are co-created, and if we approach them from that position, it's much harder to have the "toxic conversations" that Sue Johnson calls the demon dialogues in Hold Me Tight book. ***** Terry Real uses terms such as relational mindfulness, or relational heroism, to point out that it takes courage to be a “wise adult” rather than an “adaptive child” in the conflict resolution process. The “adaptive child” belongs to the past, it was adaptive then, but is maladaptive now, hence a “wise adult” needs to take over with thoughtfulness, intentionality, deliberately focused on the present.
Now let me turn to the menus. Tina recently gave me an unusual gift, the Conversation Menus, which consists of 20 "menus" housed in a beautiful red box. Each of the menus is on a separate card (18 X 15 cm) and contains 12 questions that are divided into three groups, in the way the menu is usually presented: appetizer, main course, and dessert. These questions are not related to food but to encourage conversation at the table while eating. Each card indicates a specific topic, such as: love, money, secrets, hopes, confessions, body, death, self-knowledge, taboos, ambitions, family, children, the meaning of life, and so on. As you can see, the themes are "deep" even without mentioning questions. But let me illustrate questions about the Body. The appetizer contains these questions: What about your body is desirable? In what ways has your physical appearance affected your personality? If you could redesign your body from scratch, what would it look like? When you look in the mirror, what is the first thing you check? And now the main course: What do you find physically attractive in others? Give the person you’re talking to a sincere compliment about his physical appearance. What repels you in other bodies? What clothes interest or excite you, for yourself or others? And finally, the dessert: What elements of physically aging are you most afraid of, or upset by? What might be the upsides of aging? How have you been aging recently? What do you notice? At the current rate, what might you regret on your deathbed?
Tina and I normally have dinner together, usually just the two of us. We begin with a gratitude prayer. Afterwards, we turn on the pleasant music and eat. We carry on a spontaneous conversation, but as now we have the Conversation Menus, one of us randomly selects the card with the "menu", places it on a wooden stand, and starts asking questions. In this way, we have come to know one another better and strengthen our intimate connection. I suggest you come up with something similar. Relationships require care and time-sharing that has purpose and meaning. The prosperity of our intimate relationships by means of effective conversations is invaluable. Then let's get this conversation going. Bon appétit!
* Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships, by Marshall B. Rosenberg, PuddleDancer Press, 2015
** Say What You Mean, by Oren Jay Sofer, Shambhala Publications, 2018
*** Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship, by Terry Real, Rodale Book, 2022
***** Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, by Dr. Sue Johnson, Little, Brown Spark, 2008
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