DEATH OF MY FATHER

Unexpected Loss

I will never forget the day my brother called me out of the blue while I was engrossed in my work at the Meritcare clinic in Fargo, North Dakota. It was an uncommon occurrence for him to reach out during my working hours, so I sensed that something was amiss. The words that followed instantly shattered the mundane routine of the day. My brother's voice trembled with sorrow as he reported the devastating news: our father’s sudden death. The revelation was as abrupt as it was agonizing, catching me off guard. He informed me that our father had gone to the flea market in Belgrade, Serbia, fell, and immediately died. In Serbia, the regulations mandated that any death occurring outside one's residence necessitated an autopsy. I was totally shocked and overwhelmed by the news of his unexpected departure and the bureaucratic procedures surrounding it. It left me with a mixture of disbelief and grief.

Upon receiving this distressing information, I began preparations for a trip to Belgrade. The date, December 9, 2010, when my father passed away, was deeply engraved in my mind. Along with my essentials, I carefully included a precious gift given to me by my father—a meticulously crafted book of memoirs.

Inscribed Legacy

This precious book held immense significance for both my father and me. During my first visit to Yugoslavia in 2004, which reconnected me with my roots after leaving in 1988, I had requested this intimate writing from him. My father, being the considerate person that he was, agreed to my request to write his memoir. With determination and without letting anyone know, he poured his heart and soul into each page. The memoirs were illustrated with many pictures and drawings, and detailed descriptions of his life, a testament to his meticulous nature. Although the same request had not inspired my mother and brother to do the same, my father recognized the importance of honoring my request, just as he had done years ago when I implored him to enroll me in an elementary school where I could study English.

Carrying this cherished gift, which held the written essence of my father's life, I arrived in Belgrade, ready to share its contents with my grieving mother and brother. As we gathered together, I mustered the strength to read aloud from the memoirs. The emotions stirred up as if a tidal wave of memories crashed over me. Tears welled up in my eyes, a rare display of vulnerability because I typically withheld grief behind a stoic facade. Yet, the power of my father's written words, his detailed recollections, and the impact he had on my life became too much to contain. At that moment, surrounded by my family, and embraced in a soothing embrace I was transported back in time when we all lived under the same roof experiencing life's joys, sorrows, and imperfections together. As I was turning the pages of the memoirs, it was as if my father's spirit came to life, his voice echoing as though we were all reunited once again.

Father’s Chronicle

In Belgrade, amidst the grief and the weight of our collective sorrow, we celebrated my father's life. The memoirs became a conduit, bridging the gap between the past and the present, reminding us of the legacy he had left behind. As an expression of my gratitude, I wrote the poem Father’s Chronicle to commemorate this legacy that has a special place in my heart. The verses act as a poetic homage, serving as a timeless testament to my appreciation. They are the embodiment of the connection that surpasses the boundaries of time and distance.

Do I dare to ask you to

Illuminate your life’s quest

Full of sorrows and glories

Struggles and stories.

I’ll give you a notebook to

Manifest this outlook

Like a biography of sort

Or at least a report.

You find it amazing to

Begin this novel task

Of gathering many facts

And describing your acts.

Your face shows an expression to

Attest its regression to a time

When writing was very fine

Similar to drinking good wine.

It is a sign of renewed vigor to

Sharpen the mind and use rigor

In writing an account of this kind

For posterity to leave behind.

A Father's Return in a Dream World

I clearly remember observing the first anniversary of my father's passing, marked by a dream that I documented in my personal journal. As I went to bed that evening, my mind remained entangled with thoughts of him, and it was in the realm of dreams that he made an appearance once again. In this dream world, my father materialized before me, as though he had never left this earthly plane. The setting transformed into a familiar place, perhaps in Foča, Bosnia, where we had resided between 1960 and 1965. Holding a plate filled with food, he entered the scene and sat down to eat the meal while fixating his gaze on the television screen.

In this dream world, my father was hungry and appeared healthy and vibrant. This vision of him, born from my subconscious mind, served as a fantastical illustration of the creative and enigmatic nature of our dreams. Just as Freud astutely observed, our dreams effortlessly weave together fragments of our daily ruminations intermingling them with our deepest desires, creating cleverly crafted stories.

This extraordinary dream, which unfolded precisely one year after my father's passing, served as a sign of acceptance. There exists a proposition that resonated deeply within me - the notion that birth, rather than life, serves as the ultimate contradiction to death. This idea suggests that every living being, every creation, experiences a commencement and a conclusion. Although our physical form is finite, our energy, the very essence of our existence, is eternal and impervious to destruction. It undergoes transformation, surpasses conventional boundaries, and endures, albeit in manifestations that elude our limited perception.

The Dance of Transition

This concept invites us to contemplate the interconnectedness and continuity that underlies the fabric of existence. It uncovers the cycle of birth, death, and the perpetual flow of energy that animates all life. Just as a flame is ignited from a single spark and eventually extinguished, the individual physical form may cease to exist, yet the essence that ignited it continues to radiate.

Consider the cycle of nature—the majestic transformation of a caterpillar into a butterfly. The caterpillar grows, changes completely, and then becomes a beautiful flying insect. Even though the caterpillar's body doesn't last, its essence lives on and transforms into something new. This shows how creation and destruction are always happening, and how when something ends, something new begins. It illustrates that death is a symbolic vanishing of the old models of existence in order to enable the creation of new ones.

We may find ourselves unable to directly perceive the countless manifestations that our essence encompasses because our perception is limited by the dimensions of spacetime. But every now and then, we get glimpses of understanding. It could be an intuitive feeling, a psychedelic experience, a mystical moment, or an expression through art. In those occurrences, we get a peek at the everlasting energy that fills us, connecting us to the grand design of existence.

Through the prism of this view of reality, I came to terms with my father’s departure from this earthly plane. Even though I missed him, I let go of that longing and kept him alive in my dreams. Even though people die, the legacy of our loved ones stays with us encapsulated in the halls of memory and spirit.

I've come to realize that our physical bodies may decay over time, but the core of who we are remains. It goes beyond our flesh and extends into the vastness of the universe. It's like a beautiful symphony of vibrations, harmonizing with the cosmic dance of life. So, I choose to remember, not just my father, but also the countless connections that unite us all. As I take each step, I embrace both the visible and the hidden, the familiar and the unknown.

Inspired by my Sagittarian nature, I embody the qualities of this zodiac sign. It symbolizes the thirst for knowledge, driven by acceptance, reverence, and a blend of spirituality and science. This celestial archer takes me on the voyage of exploration of the wonders of the world striving for a more enlightened and interconnected existence for all of us.