FAREWELL TO MY MOTHER

Eulogy

During the years leading up to my mother's passing, her quality of life was deeply impacted by her declining health. It was a challenging time for both her and her sons, especially her older son, my brother Slobodan, who became her full-time caregiver. I made attempts to have conversations with her about the reality of death, but it was apparent that the topic was overwhelming and frightening for her. She was unable to accept or process the idea of her mortality, and as a result, our discussions were often met with silence or a quick change of subject.

When my mother finally passed away, circumstances prevented me from being present at her funeral. Due to my physical absence, I took the responsibility of crafting a eulogy. Because I couldn't personally deliver it, I entrusted my brother to read it on my behalf, ensuring that our mother's story would be shared with those in attendance.

The eulogy aimed to present a picture of the life my mother led, highlighting the love she felt for us, her sons. Writing the eulogy and then hearing it being read by my brother became a therapeutic process for me, a way to grieve the loss of my mother.

Despite being a highly emotional experience for him, my brother did remarkably well in reading the eulogy during the funeral ceremony. In it, I said my final goodbyes to my mother and her earthly life. I felt sadness and sorrow, but also a sense of relief that she was no longer in a pain and suffering state. Her life was long, but it wasn't filled with joy, especially after my father, her husband, passed away. She lost her purpose, which was her family. I carry memories of a happy childhood, which serve as evidence of her unconditional love and devotion to her role as a mother.

Against All Odds

She didn't want my childhood to be like hers. She told me about her father dying when she was young. She was only eight years old when she was left alone with her mother. The Second World War was around the corner. Soon after the onset of this terrible catastrophe, she and her mother had to run from their home to save their lives. This event and many others that followed left a lasting impact on her young and sensitive soul. After the war was over, she really wanted to go back to school, but she never got a chance. Instead, she had to find a job and work in difficult situations until she married my father, even though her family didn't approve of him. She showed bravery and strength to overcome many challenges that came her way at that time. Her determination was fueled by her desire to have an independent life with the man she chose.

It was difficult for her to leave the familiar places and embrace the life of a military officer's wife with young children to take care of. She was very young and didn't have much experience in raising children and maintaining the household. There was no family nearby to help her. In addition, her husband was often away because of his military responsibilities and schooling. Nonetheless, she managed to create and maintain a warm home for her husband and her sons.

It was especially hard for her when something happened to her sons. Those situations would make her act quickly, focusing completely on their health and safety. I have a clear memory of how caring she was whenever I got sick as a child. One particular memory stands out in my mind: when I had a fever, I would lie in bed in the kitchen, wrapped in a blanket, with a favorite book or magazine in my hands. She would always have oranges and hot tea nearby, as they were believed to boost immunity. She would gently rub alcohol on my body to bring down the fever. During those times, I actually liked being sick because of her loving attention. Her motherly concern for my well-being inspired me to pursue a career in healthcare, which I have successfully followed to this day.

Health Struggles

She was no stranger to falling ill, and Pančevo, Serbia seemed to exacerbate her health issues even more. The polluted air and the toll of accumulated stress from her various living conditions significantly impacted her well-being. However, she was fortunate enough to have a military clinic conveniently situated on the first floor of her residential building, granting her easy access to reliable and high-quality healthcare services.

Chronic illnesses became an integral part of her existence, undergoing numerous surgeries along the way. The constant battle with her health affected her daily life, making it much harder for her to have a good quality of life. However, she persevered, making the most of her circumstances and extracting happiness from the simplest of pleasures. Whether it was indulging in her beloved TV programs, immersing herself in magazines, preparing meals for her family, or going on leisurely strolls with her husband, she found joy in these moments.

After her husband, my father, died unexpectedly, she never fully recovered. He passed away soon after they celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary. Living without him was not easy, and she felt his absence every day. Then, 12 years later, death came to her. Gently, it took her during her sleep and transported her to an unknown place where the souls of the departed gathered and reunited with loved ones.

Decoding the Body's Messages

Soon after my mother passed away, I went through a period where I felt mysterious pains in my body. At first, I had a hard time pinpointing the source of the pain, but it seemed to be in my abdominal area. I initially thought it might be a skin condition called shingles, even though I didn't have any visible rashes. The pain felt like a burning sensation, similar to what I had experienced in the past during emotionally difficult times, so I decided to wait it out. However, the pain persisted, and I started worrying about the health of my internal organs, fearing that it could be cancer. I made the decision to visit a doctor for further evaluation.

The doctor thoroughly examined me and concluded that the cause of my pain was actually a kidney stone. To confirm this, she ordered an abdominal CT scan. Fortunately, the results came back normal, and all my other medical tests showed no abnormalities as well. After that, my abdominal pain subsided and vanished within a few days. But my ordeal was far from over.

I started feeling intense pain in my chest that spread to my left arm. I got worried, thinking I might be having a heart attack. However, because I had previously experienced abdominal pain, I thought that this chest pain, which resembled cardiac pain, could be a result of my anxiety about death. The chest pain continued, and at one point, I even considered going to the emergency room. Instead, I remembered a technique I had learned at a recent conference. This technique was supposed to activate the parasympathetic nervous system and improve communication between the heart and the brain. Surprisingly, it worked. The pressure in my chest disappeared, and I was able to give my scheduled presentation without any discomfort.

After experiencing a few more episodes of chest pain, I realized that the pain had a deeper meaning. It symbolized the emotions stored in my body when my mind was unable to process them. The loss of my mother triggered first abdominal pain and then chest pain, symbolizing my struggle to cope with life and my deep-seated fear of getting hurt. Through gaining this insight and following my intuition, I was able to heal without undergoing expensive tests to rule out heart disease.

Healing the Unseen Wounds

What helped me the most was the voice of intuition, the innate intelligence of my body speaking to me. I had a strong sense of knowing like the fog of uncertainty had cleared and everything became crystal clear. In that moment of truth, I knew what I needed to do. I had to heal the lasting effects of the past that kept my father from connecting with his heart and feeling the emotions that come from that special place where the mind and body's energies come together. He had been stuck in the world of logic and intellect, only living in his mind. Without realizing it, I had taken on a similar way of being, focusing mainly on intellectual matters.

On the other hand, my mother embodied the model of heartfelt existence. She exuded a range of emotions, sometimes struggling to navigate through them, yet managing to provide me with a sense of feminine energy characterized by nurturance and empathy. In this manner, I received attributes from both my parents, although I never fully integrated them into my own being.

In a sudden moment of inspiration, I realized that I was given a unique opportunity to bring together these different parts of myself as if guided by my late mother's spirit. It was a calling to align the beat of my heart with the operations of my mind. By connecting the energy of heart and mind, I could go beyond the troubles that came from my parents' lives and find healing, not just for myself but for future generations.

On this path of self-discovery, I conceived the possibility that I would be able to heal old hurts and free my family from suffering. I would bring positive change by combining my mother's love and my father's intellect. And so, armed with the voice of intuition, I entered on a hero’s journey of uniting my heart and my brain. In this way, I intended to resolve the karmic dissonance that had afflicted my parents and generations before them. My goal was to create a future where love, kindness, and understanding were seamlessly mixed with knowledge, logic, and intelligence. It was a vision that went beyond everyday life, embracing a complete understanding of what it means to be human. No longer would there be a separation between emotions and intelligence; instead, they would work together, supporting and strengthening one another.