Inner critic
I often find myself tormented by the rigid and demanding nature of my superego, which seems to haunt me at every turn. It constantly expects more from me and is never satisfied with my performance, always urging me to push myself harder and never rest on my laurels.
As a teacher, educator, public figure, and authority in the field of medicine and psychiatry, I am constantly in the spotlight, which only amplifies the voice of my inner critic. It feels like no matter how hard I try I am always falling short and failing to meet the high standards set by my watchful censor, who represents the world of others in the inner virtual space of my mind.
The result of this divided self was that as an adult, I've suffered firsthand the crippling and suffocating grip of panic that accompanies performance anxiety when giving public lectures or presentations. The mere thought of standing before an audience, vulnerable and exposed, awaiting judgment on my every word and move, unleashes a whirlpool of dread that consumes me long before the event.
The body response
My physical response to this challenge is nothing short of agonizing. My heart races and pounds in my chest, threatening to burst through my ribcage at any moment. I break out in a cold sweat that soaks through my clothes, making me feel as though I'm drowning in my own fear.
The anxiety doesn't confine itself only to the hours before the speaking event. It infiltrates every aspect of my life, including my sleep. The restless nights leading up to my presentation leave me feeling like a zombie, my eyes heavy with exhaustion and my mind consumed by the endless parade of worst-case scenarios that occupy my every waking moment.
The constant state of tension and unease wears me down leaving my muscles aching. My neck and shoulders feel as though they're made of steel cables, and no amount of stretching or massaging can alleviate the discomfort. This all-encompassing tension impairs my ability to concentrate on the tasks at hand, so I find myself reading over and over the material and not comprehending much. My mind is hijacked by worrying thoughts that don’t leave space for anything else.
My eyes are bloodshot and my hands tremble as I persist in pouring over my notes, relentlessly trying to imprint every word into the very fabric of my existence. The more I immerse myself in the study, the more aware I become of my vast ignorance, and a sense of dread fills me up like a tidal wave of despair.
The grip of fear
As I look inside myself, I can feel the insidious grip of fear that has taken hold of me. This fear has made itself at home within me and refuses to leave. It whispers in my ear, a constant reminder of all the things that could go wrong, and the possibilities seem endless.
Its tendrils stretch out in every direction, suffocating my thoughts and suffusing my senses with a sense of impending doom. Its color shifts and changes, but its essence remains the same: a creeping sense of unease that paralyzes me, leaving me unable to enjoy the present moment. I feel trapped as if I'm stuck in a dark room with no escape.
Fear demands my attention, consuming all my energy and leaving me exhausted. It wants to be in charge, dictating every move I make, and leaving no room for anything else. It's a constant companion that I cannot shake off, a reminder that everything is not okay and that something terrible is about to happen.
The hold of this fear is relentless, and I feel as though I'm locked in a battle with my own mind. The constant barrage of negative thoughts and self-doubt is a form of mental torture that threatens to consume me whole. But despite the overwhelming odds, I know that I can't give up. I must find a way to overcome my fear and learn to deliver presentations with confidence and ease.
The day of reckoning
The day of the presentation is nothing short of a nightmare. I wake up early, my heart racing with anticipation and anxiety. I try to eat breakfast, but my stomach is in knots, and I can barely swallow a bite. As I make my way to the presentation venue, my palms start to sweat, and my hands tremble. I try to calm myself down by taking deep breaths, but it doesn't seem to help. My mind is consumed with the fear of failure and the possibility of humiliation in front of my audience.
Once I arrive, I take a few minutes to gather my notes and prepare myself mentally. But no matter how much I try to focus, my thoughts keep drifting to worst-case scenarios, and my anxiety only intensifies. As the time for my presentation approaches, my anxiety reaches a fever pitch. I step up to the podium, my heart pounding in my chest, and I begin to speak. I can feel the audience's eyes boring into me, their judgment is palpable as they scrutinize my every move. My voice wavers and I stumble over my words, but I try to push through. I feel judged by my harsh inner critic about my incompetence. In the end, the presentation is not a complete disaster, but I am left feeling drained and relieved that it's over.
The old tapes
As I sit down to review some of my training videos from my early days as a speaker, I stumble upon a clip that captures the face of fear. Watching myself in that video, I see a reflection of a person who is struggling to follow the instructor's guidance on how to speak confidently. It's almost as though I am a lifeless figure, devoid of any energy or vitality. The sweat on my forehead and the trembling of my hands as I nervously shuffle my papers serve as a reminder of just how anxious I was at the time.
My voice in the video is stilted and devoid of any emotion. It lacks the vigor and passion necessary to captivate an audience. As I continue to watch, I can feel my heart rate increase and shivers run down my spine. It's a reminder of the pitiful state I was in at the time.
The wisdom of a sage
Nelson Mandela once shared some truly inspiring words when he said, "I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear" (1).
Mandela's words offer hope and encouragement to those who may be struggling with fear in their lives. It reminds us that we all have the strength and determination within us to conquer our fears and achieve our goals. By embracing our fears and taking action despite them, we can become more confident in ourselves and our ability to handle difficult situations.
Fear can be a daunting force that can hold us back, but with the right mindset and a willingness to face it, we can overcome any obstacle that comes our way. Mandela's quote is encouraging. This perspective reminds us that fear is not an insurmountable obstacle, but rather a challenge to be overcome. By looking at fears with wide-open eyes we can develop curiosity and interest in their true nature. When we embrace our fears with a positive attitude, we begin to see them not as threats, but as opportunities for growth and self-improvement. Of course, this is easier said than done. Conquering our fears requires a great deal of strength and perseverance. But by remembering that we have the power to triumph over our fears, we can approach them with a renewed sense of confidence and determination.
So let us all take Nelson Mandala’s wise words to heart and embrace our fears with an attitude of courage and determination. With each victory over our fears, we become stronger, more resilient, and better equipped to handle the challenges that life throws our way.
Deep dive
Public speaking has always been a source of anxiety for me, likely due to a past unfavorable experience that left me questioning my aptitude. Through the exploration of the underlying issues, I have made strides in addressing them and developing self-assurance. Overcoming the cycle of fear and avoidance has allowed me to break free from the self-imposed confinement that hindered my progress. Instead of succumbing to my fears, I am empowered to take charge of my emotions and channel them into propelling me toward my aspirations.
I realized that the prison guard who keeps me in my comfort zone is not all-knowing. He is there to warn me, not to restrict me. If I were to ask him to unlock the door and promise to be responsible, he would gladly oblige. It is up to me to take that first step toward a "brave new world" where I allow myself to fully embrace all of my experiences. This includes being present for bodily sensations, acknowledging my emotions, exploring my thoughts, and embracing my memories.
Courage and curiosity
I have come to appreciate the transformative power of curiosity. Through introspection, I have realized that my apprehension was tied to a deep-seated fear of criticism and rejection. I was able to shift my attention from my own anxieties to the audience's expectations and aspirations. My mindfulness practice has helped me observe my thoughts and feelings without self-judgment, leading to an expanded awareness of and liberation. Each time I take a step toward dismantling my barriers, I feel a sense of accomplishment and I am excited about the possibilities that await me.
Courage and curiosity help to restore a sense of self-confidence in me. This sense of self-assurance has served as a powerful motivator, inspiring me to tackle new challenges and pursue my dreams with renewed vigor. By doing so, I am able to unlock my true potential and live my life with greater purpose, passion, and fulfillment.
As an unapologetic optimist, I am never without a spark of hope. Intuitively, I am aware of the drive within me to overcome any mental barriers, explore uncharted territories, expand my perspective, and recognize the opportunities that lie beyond my current vantage point.
By recognizing that the grass is often greener on the other side of the fence, I am acknowledging that there may be opportunities or experiences beyond my current situation that I have yet to discover. This mindset helps to fuel my motivation and drive, pushing me to go beyond my comfort zone and pursue personal growth and development. Ultimately, my optimistic perspective and belief in my own abilities allow me to approach life's challenges with a sense of hope and determination.
Exposure therapy
It was through my own experiences that I learned about the transformative power of exposure therapy, which is a form of cognitive-behavioral therapy that involves gradually confronting one's fears in a controlled environment. I was initially skeptical about the idea of deliberately exposing myself to situations that triggered my fear. However, as I researched and learned more about exposure therapy, I began to see its potential for helping me overcome my fear of public speaking.
With this newfound understanding, I decided to give exposure therapy a chance. I started by gradually exposing myself to situations that involved public speaking, starting with small groups of trusted friends and colleagues, and gradually building up to larger audiences. Although it was uncomfortable at first, I was able to build my confidence and develop the skills I needed to manage my anxiety.
Looking back on my experience, I can say with certainty that exposure therapy was a turning point in my journey toward becoming a more confident and effective public speaker. To manage the bodily arousal that often accompanies fear, I employed techniques such as deep, slow, diaphragmatic breathing, muscle relaxation, or tapping. Similarly, my fear-based thinking was countered through the use of meditation, cognitive restructuring, and positive affirmations.
Happy ending
Now, looking back on my journey, I am filled with a sense of accomplishment for becoming a skilled lecturer and presenter. However, this achievement did not come easy to me. I had to dedicate countless hours to practicing, making mistakes, feeling embarrassed, and experiencing anxiety. There were times when I felt like giving up, but I knew deep down that I couldn't let my fears hold me back from achieving my goals.
With each hurdle I faced, I gained more confidence in my abilities and learned valuable lessons that helped me improve my skills. I am grateful for every mistake and moment of discomfort because they taught me resilience and the importance of perseverance.
Although certain social settings may still be intimidating, I approach them differently now, with a sense of authenticity and self-assurance. Instead of shying away from them, I embrace them with an open mind and a sincere desire to connect. I don't conform to the norms of superficial chit-chat, preferring instead to engage in more meaningful conversations that genuinely interest me. My inclination towards introversion does not hinder me from engaging in social interactions or presentations, as it is an inherent part of my personality. I fully accept myself for who I am.
I am nurturing the growth of self-love and attuning to the radiant energy of my heart center. I now understand that my inherent worthiness to receive love and respect is not hinged on attaining flawlessness. Instead of fixating on unattainable standards, I am dedicating my attention to acknowledging and honoring my unique gifts and accomplishments. By extending compassion and empathy towards myself, I am transmuting the chatter of my inner critic and experiencing greater inner peace.
1. Long Walk to Freedom, by Nelson Mandela, Back Bay Books, 1995
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