Setting the Stage
The absence of my maternal grandfather in my life is intensified by the fact that he departed long before I was even born. While his physical presence was never a part of my existence, the repercussions of his actions continue to linger in my family saga. He was a soul adrift unable to find himself. He remained trapped in a prison of his own making. Alcoholism gripped his existence and became the shackles that held him captive. It enslaved him, gradually eroding his physical health, corroding his mental well-being, and eventually sealing his fate. His addiction consumed him, stripping away the vibrant spirit he might have possessed, leaving behind a mere shadow of the man he could have been.
Matija Matovinović, was born in the village of Lovinac in the region of Lika, Croatia. Unfortunately, my knowledge of his life before the First World War is limited. I know that he was conscripted into the Austro-Hungarian Army, but shortly thereafter, he was taken captive and became a prisoner of war in 1914. Many Slavic soldiers within the Austro-Hungarian ranks surrendered, and some even offered their services to fight alongside the Russians. As a prisoner of war, he was transported to a village in Siberia, far from his homeland. During his life there, Matija had a wife and son, but the details surrounding their lives remain elusive. The outbreak of the Russian Civil War and the Bolshevik Revolution in 1917 further complicated matters, causing prolonged delays in the repatriation of prisoners of war. Many, like Matija, were not granted the opportunity to return to their countries for several years.
Eventually, his path led him to my grandmother, and they got married in 1923, despite the 14-year age gap between them. His uncle and brother, recognizing his need for a fresh start, played instrumental roles in helping him secure employment. He began working in their stores, first in Oriovac and later in Slavonski Brod, both nestled in the region of Slavonia characterized by vast plains, fertile farmland, and picturesque vineyards.
Much of the information regarding Matija’s wartime encounters, his period of captivity, and the impact these events had on his psyche has been mostly lost to time. However, the effects of his adversities persisted, manifesting in his ongoing alcoholism that enveloped his family in doom and gloom. The consequences of his drinking reverberated throughout their existence, leaving behind a trail of devastation.
Hello Matija,
I find it incredibly difficult to begin this letter to you, considering the dark legacy you left behind. Addressing you as "Dear" or even as "Grandfather" feels uncomfortable, given the impact of your actions. In 1940, when your daughter was only eight years old (who happens to be my mother), you passed away, leaving behind a footprint tainted by unchecked violence, alcoholism, and untreated mental illness.
Context
My capacity for empathy and compassionate action has been with me since birth. Throughout my upbringing, I channeled it in the direction of my mother, as she shared stories about you that were infused with a sense of nostalgia and a belief that she was the chosen one, the recipient of your love. At the same time, she was utterly confused, given the contrasting reality of your behavior towards her mother and older sister.
You demonstrated nothing but violence and rage, fueled by alcohol, to an unimaginable extent. Today, such actions would result in imprisonment, with your children being taken away from you, and your wife receiving the necessary shelter and support as a victim of domestic abuse. Unfortunately, during your time, those resources were not available, and as a result, they carried the scars of your actions throughout their lives with the ripples that still endure.
I am aware that your life path was shrouded in pain and anguish, as the persistent echoes of war tormented you relentlessly. The traumatic experiences you endured on the battlefield inflicted a deep invisible wound in your soul, oppressing your nights with apparitions of fallen soldiers and the agonizing loss of your comrades. The horrors of war became a part of you, shaping your existence and influencing the decisions you made.
Problem
Your wife thrust into a marriage at a tender age, bore the weight of your emotional absence and abuse. You yearned for your son who was left behind in Russia, yet you subjected her to your outbursts of violent rage when she couldn't fulfill your wish to have another son. Terrified for her safety and that of her newborn daughter, whom you didn’t even want to look at, she was compelled to flee. She sought shelter with neighbors, desperately attempting to protect herself and her baby from you, a husband and father in name only, but a monster in their lives.
Evidence
The sole remaining photograph I possess of you depicts a deceivingly calm and affectionate scene. You stand embraced by your wife's arm around your shoulder, with your older daughter holding your hand. Adjacent to your wife stands your sister-in-law, positioned slightly apart. You are impeccably dressed like a true gentleman, complete with a meticulously groomed mustache and a cleanly shaven beard. However, it is your eyes that speak the true tale of you. They exude an unsettling intensity, disconnected from both the others within the frame and the situation at hand. While your wife wears a gentle smile, etched in my memory, your daughter, whom you neglected, appears solemn and serious beyond her tender years.
Actually, she sought refuge elsewhere as soon as she could escape your tyrannical and abusive grip. She found work and eventually married, distancing herself from you and harboring resentment caused by the emotional pain you had inflicted. Meanwhile, you recklessly squandered your resources on alcohol and the companionship of drinking buddies, neglecting your responsibilities as a husband and father.
Because of the reality of your life and your true relationship with your family, I decided to remove them from the picture, including the comforting arm of your wife around your shoulder. Instead, I made your head larger in the picture to draw attention to you as an individual.
Tension
As your health deteriorated, rendering you unable to indulge in your destructive habits, your wife stayed by your side. It was not an act of compassion, as she had every right to turn her back on the man who had brought so much suffering into her life. Rather, she was trapped without any alternative options or places to go.
Your demise did not bring an end to the disruption you had sown. The memories of you continued to ruminate in the mind of your youngest daughter, my mother. She incessantly tried to reconcile the conflicting emotions she felt toward you. On one hand, you occasionally showed her kindness and attention, whispering that she was your favorite. On the other hand, you subjected her to a cycle of abuse she witnessed and neglect she endured, perpetuating her inner turmoil. Her mother, who happens to be your wife, seethed with anger at her daughter for defending or loving you, unable to grasp the intricate emotional entanglement that your legacy had created within her mind.
It didn’t remain only there; its impact affected your daughter’s husband and their children. My mother displayed traits commonly found in adult children of alcoholics. The unpredictable nature of your alcohol use resulted in her emotional instability, anxiety, and somatization. The shattered promises and your erratic behavior eroded her trust in others. Feelings of shame and guilt became deeply ingrained within her, affecting her self-esteem and overall emotional well-being. Growing up with you as a dysfunctional father figure likely hindered her ability to develop a healthy relationship with her husband. Additionally, neglect and emotional abuse, which she experienced as a result of your actions, left her wrestling with feelings of inadequacy.
Attempt of Resolution
In your selected vocation as a butcher, it is possible that you sought to redirect your intense violent streak. By engaging in the task of slaughtering and processing animals for meat, you attempted to channel your agitated state into a productive and essential service for your community. Your skills as a butcher were highly regarded, enabling you to establish a stable livelihood for a while.
However, due to your drinking and loss of your job, poverty slowly seeped into your life. To alleviate the financial strain, your resilient wife stepped up and worked a multitude of odd jobs, primarily serving as a house helper for affluent households. She assumed the role of the sole breadwinner, tirelessly working day and night to provide for the family's needs. Despite the grueling nature of her work and the challenging circumstances that led her to acquire money, she never voiced a complaint even when you took the money she earned.
Consequences
The lasting influence of your heritage encompasses unaddressed mental health issues, alcohol dependency, and unrestrained anger, which have resulted in domestic violence affecting multiple family members. This legacy has inflicted debilitating effects on my grandmother, aunt, mother, and brother, as they have grappled with the consequences it brings. Their struggle to process their emotions, maintain control, and channel their anger toward constructive outlets has been evident. Some of them silently internalized their anguish, while others expressed it in their relationships with others, causing further damage.
Anger, when left unchecked, can be an incredibly destructive and violent force, wreaking havoc on one's mental well-being and relationships. Thankfully, after years of suffering, my brother found the strength to seek help through individual and group psychotherapy. He not only pursued his own healing but also created opportunities for our parents, investing countless hours in conversations with them about his issues. While our father tried his best, he couldn't provide emotional support for my brother, lacking the words and capacity to connect with him in the way he needed. Similarly, our mother was unable to confront and resolve her own demons, further compounding the burden of her mental anguish.
As I reflect on my own path and career choice, I wonder if it's somehow influenced by the legacy you left behind. Through my work, I have been assisting war veterans in the United States who have been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder and alcoholism. It occurs to me that, perhaps subconsciously, my desire to provide aid and healing to individuals facing similar struggles as yours has played a role in my chosen path. On some level, I wish that you were one of the patients I treated within the veterans administration healthcare system in Fargo, North Dakota, offering the support and guidance you so desperately required.
Solution
Nevertheless, I now stand at a crucial juncture—a moment where I seek karmic release and find forgiveness within my heart. I believe that by cultivating forgiveness, I can generate positive vibrations that will reverberate through the present and future generations of our family.
I am uniquely positioned for this role that liberates the soul from the grip of anger, purging it from this potent poison. It appears that neither my grandmother, your wife, nor my aunt, your daughter, were able to extend forgiveness for your actions. As for my mother, her attempts at forgiveness were tenuous, hindered by a lack of adequate support and inner strength. Although she briefly sought help in psychotherapy during her later years, discussing you with her therapist, her husband felt threatened and failed to give encouragement to her in this endeavor. Therefore, the task of granting forgiveness now falls upon me.
As I reflect upon this weighty responsibility, I am aware that forgiveness holds profound meaning. It transcends mere absolution, serving as a conduit for personal growth and healing. It allows our souls to be free from feeling angry and resentful. By taking on this responsibility, I am accepting a sacred duty to not only free myself from anger but also to free you from the guilt that surely comes with your actions.
While my journey toward forgiveness is not an easy one, I understand that it is essential for my own well-being. It requires strength, compassion, and a commitment to acquiring a beautiful state of mind. I recognize that forgiving you does not condone or excuse your actions, but rather, it grants me the power to release their hold on my soul. In doing so, I hope to inspire and further the process of healing within my family and beyond.
Forgiveness
Matija, by forgiving you, I am not approving or forgetting what happened. Instead, I am letting go of anger and bitterness for my own sake and for the sake of others you affected. By forgiving, I am invoking the power of love, compassion, and healing.
Forgiveness isn't just about you; it's also about the well-being and spiritual development of everyone you affected. By forgiving you, I am seeking peace of mind and creating a positive ripple effect that extends beyond personal and reaches into the field of unlimited potentialities.
In closing, I want to emphasize that I wrote this letter to express my desire for spiritual cleansing and growth. So, let's both find the strength to learn from our past, heal our wounds, and create a better future for ourselves and those around us.
With forgiveness and hope,
Your grandson Zelko Leon
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