FROM APPEASMENT TO COMPASSION

Discovery

As I looked back in the past to examine the traces of reminiscences built into my mind, I made a discovery. Not groundbreaking, just a glimpse into my behavioral tendencies. It was an aha moment, but not like the one Archimedes made when he jumped out of the bath and ran naked through the streets shouting “Eureka!” – “I've found it!” (1). Nothing like that. Mine took place during quiet contemplation after completing the essay Stop or Else. I was reflecting on how to proceed in my attempt to capture another survival strategy for dealing with danger. I intended to continue writing in this memoir-approach storytelling in which the hero of the tale was primarily me. This ‘self-narrative’ style describes the process of documenting life events in a meaningful way that makes sense not only to me, but to the reader as well.

But before I tell you about my "eureka" moment, I have to explain my interest in pursuing the search. I recently found out that there is a fourth F in the range of survival strategies preserved through natural selection. Not fully accepted and researched yet identified. In addition to the well-known Fight/Flight/Freeze response there is the Fawn response, also known as “people-pleasing” behavior. I identified with it easily and was interested in learning more about it. Particularly, I was curious about tracking down in my own life the origin of this long-neglected survival strategy.

The discovery I was referring to earlier had to do with the behavior towards my father when he was about to punish me for something I did, and he didn’t approve. I cried, pleaded ("I'll never do it again!"), and used my mother as a shield hiding behind her, all in the name of avoiding painful consequences. Basically, I was trying to divert the threat, to avoid the physical harm by using the appeasement strategy. I was doing it instinctively, especially running to my mother for protection. She was my safety zone when I was encountering threats. Her tending to my distress had calmed me down as was befriending of my father on my behalf (“Don't do it Aco, please!”). It worked. In other threatening situations, I pulled out and sucked my mother's breast until the age of 5. I was teased for it, made fun of, but I didn’t care. Finding safety and quieting my overaroused body was my priority. I didn't know it then, but I now know that breastfeeding in humans is associated with the release of oxytocin by the mother, which is physiologically calming for mothers and infants (2).

Oxytocin

It is established that oxytocin reduces anxiety and promotes caregiving and bonding behavior (3), which is the survival strategy so different from the masculinity driven fight response to threats. This sentiment of collaboration and connection was culturally conveyed and immortalized through the “Flower Power anthem,” the Beatles’ song “All you need is love” which was broadcasted live via global satellite to an estimated 400 million viewers back in 1967 (4). The drug Ecstasy that promotes the release of oxytocin has been used in all-night dance parties (“raves”) with the effect of defusing aggression and promoting affiliative behavior. More recently treatment of PTSD with Ecstasy, or to be exact with MDMA (methylenedioxymethamphetamine) through its oxytocin-dependent neuroplasticity, facilitated the healing of trauma by reawakening the “tend and befriend” circuits in the brain (5). We do have them. They are related to the caring attachment system that manifests itself through the experience of being loved and loving, closeness, bonding, friendship, and belonging. Oxytocin, the molecule of safety is associated with increased capacity to handle threats through sociality and cooperation. It is also called “the hormone of love” for its role in forging close intimate relationships (6). Its release in the body has been associated with positive states such as physical proximity, touching, and sexual encounters, especially when they lead to orgasm.

Sex for peace

Consequently, sex could be used as another strategy for conflict resolution and deflecting aggression. I first heard about it in bonobos, the so-called forgotten ape (7), our closest relative amongst primates. Bonobos are rare example in the world of apes for their matriarchal social structure. Bonobo society is dominated by females who form strong social bonds with each other. For them, social harmony is the principle that ensures safety and diminishes the presence of violent behavior. Bonobos use sexual behavior as the primary mechanism for overcoming aggression, reducing stress, and strengthening social bonds. By frequent sexual activities they create opportunities for enhanced presence of oxytocin in their bodies which activates the ventral vagal complex responsible for social engagement behavior. Apparently, they prefer love instead of fear or anger. Frans De Wall, primatologist who has studied bonobos the most writes: “The art of sexual reconciliation may well have reached its evolutionary peak in the bonobo. For these animals, sexual behavior is indistinguishable from social behavior. Given its peacemaking and appeasement functions, it is not surprising that sex among bonobos occur in so many different partner combinations” (8).

What about the makeup sex in us humans? The threat of losing romantic partner because of the conflict may activate the attachment system with the desire to restore closeness through sexual intimacy (9). For many couples, this is an effective strategy to de-escalate or resolve disputes. This role of makeup sex has been confirmed in the recently published study (10). Based on research data it is clear that makeup sex helps couples overcome the negative feelings of the conflict, at least in the moment. But maybe more than that. The study participants reported of being happier with their marriage if they had makeup sex after a conflict than when they had a conflict without sex (10).

Equine guidance

I recently listened to the talk by the expert in equine guidance therapy who specializes in healing emotional traumas. She explained that horses are prey and flight animals. Furthermore, they are herd animals, and their survival is dependent on the herd. Horses are very emotional creatures, one of the most sensitive amongst mammals. They “read” the body language and are prone to “emotional contagion,” the automatic “catching” of emotion of another horse or human. For these reasons, the most important thing for horses is safety and comfort. They intuitively experience the negative emotional states of others and become disturbed. With proper training, they can become therapists because they are naturally able to detect emotional blocks in the body and "unblock them." Their objective is to “clear” the energy field created by the action of the “traumatized” autonomic nervous system. They desire harmony within the "herd." Then they can relax and feel safe. I was amazed by yet another strategy operating in the animal world where the safety of everyone is the “riding” principle.

Storytelling continues

Now let's go back to the story about my appeasement strategy and the way I continued to use it is outside the home when facing bullies or other aggressive people. I remember cutting a line outside the movie theater once. Someone was upset with what I did and threatened to beat me up. My young age, and an apologetic body posture calmed the enraged individual, who grudgingly said that because of my youth he decided to let me go. I was lucky one more time. Apparently, I came to realization that pacifying or placating someone to keep the peace would reduce the likelihood of attack or threat when dealing with aggressors, but also with the authority figures or critics.At times I even changed my accent, and the words I used to "blend in" in the intersubjective field filled with potential threats.

Little by little, I developed a pattern of compulsive behavior with a strong desire to help others, to "fix" them, or to satisfy their needs by neglecting my own. To please and to appease have become important survival mechanisms I utilized to defuse conflict or disarm the perpetrator, with the ultimate goal of feeling safe. One of the main researchers of survival strategies describe what I was guided by with these words:

I make it looks like I am socially connected and engaged but my sympathetic system is really there running the show. The autonomic purpose is to make sure that I do not activate that other person’s sympathetic fight response. So, my system is really attuned to what it needs to not activate the other person’s fight survival response (11).

Finding compassion

This explanation makes sense to me, but at the same time I am able to "see" that my compulsive behavior has lost connection with its primary function as a survival strategy. It has developed independence, autonomy and has become a habit, the way I engage with the world. My attunement with others has become not only a survival strategy but also an instrument of compassion, almost similar to the way of horses. I sense another persons’ distress and I want to ease it in some way; mostly by empathic listening, responding to their needs, or defending them from attackers. The only problem with this modus operandi is that I have lost touch with my own needs, my own emotions, authenticity, and freedom of choice. I had to do something to reclaim it. I found the way out by enhancing and broadening awareness about the mode of being rather than the mode of doing, experiencing rather than “auto-piloting”, and directing my attention to the present moment rather than to the future. I discovered the mindfulness meditation, radical acceptance, loving-kindness, and self-compassion. Now I am able to stay fully present with others, to equally divide my attention and not lose sight of my own needs and desires, and to communicate (speak my truth) without fear of rejection, attack, humiliation. My “people-pleasing” and appeasement strategy has transformed, from fear to love, from survival state into a natural state of self-becoming.

(1) Eureka!: What Archimedes Really Meant and 80 Other Key Ideas Explained, by Michael Macrone, HarperCollins Publishers, 1994

(2) Biobehavioral responses to stress in females: Tend-and-befriend, not fight-or-flight, by Shelley E. Taylor et al., Psychological Review, 107 (3): 411–29, 2000

(3) Oxytocin: The great facilitator of life, by Heon-Jin Lee et al., Progress in Neurobiology,

Volume 88: 127-151, 2009

(4) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/All_You_Need_Is_Love

(5) MDMA-assisted therapy for severe PTSD: a randomized, double-blind, placebo-controlled phase 3 study, by Jennifer M. Mitchell at al., Nature Medicine, 27: 1025-1033, 2021

(6) Oxytocin and love: Myths, metaphors and mysteries, by C. Sue Carter, Comprehensive Psychoneuroendocrinology, 9: 1-10, 2022

(7) Bonobo: the forgotten ape, by Frans De Waal and Frans Lanting, University of California Press, 1997

(8) Bonobo: Sex & Society, by Frans De Waal, Scientific American, 272 (3): 82–88, 1995

(9) The Truth About Make-Up Sex, by Samantha Joel, Psychology Today, June 24, 2015

(10) Kiss and makeup? Examining the co-occurrence of conflict and sex, by Jessica Maxwell and Andrea Meltzer, Archives of Sexual Behavior, 49: 2883–2892, 2022

(11) The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy: Engaging the Rhythm of Regulation, by Deb Dana, W. W. Norton & Company, 2018