Life bonds
We are born to love and to be loved. Love is the strongest force in the universe, a lifeline because our lives depend on it. Nature has given us the ability to look for loving bonds. So we do, almost immediately following our birth. We have a hard-wired system in place. We were born not to be wild, as the lyrics of the popular song indicate *, but to be attached, that is our “true nature’s child.” * We crave connection with the caregiver, a willing participant who is physically nearby, accessible, and responsive to our “baby needs.” We are the seeker of proximity. We want to get closer to the “radiator of love” and stand up to any separation. We protest “loud and clear” when that happens. If we are scared, or upset for any reason, we cry for help, look for a safe haven, and turn to our savior for comfort, support, and reassurance. Later on, when we feel grounded and secure that our “love radiator” will stay around, we venture to explore the world. Our curiosity awakens. We want to play with toys or experience “comfortable solitude” ** in order to learn to tune in to our true inner selves.
As time goes on, we learn everything we need to know about our caregiver. If she’s available when we need her. If she understands and responds to our needs. If she truly cares. Most of the caregivers are consistently available, responsive, and engaged with us. They are sensitive and empathic, so we are in a circle of security with them. However, there are a few who are consistently detached and emotionally unavailable to us. We learn not to depend on them for safety. We are on our own. It is a sad situation, but we adapt. We learn not to expect much from them. Some caregivers are so anxious and unsure of themselves that they do not understand our needs. Their anxiety makes us anxious or angry. Their insecurity gives rise to our insecurity. We hold on to them for dear life because we are always afraid that they will leave and never return. We act like we need to be comforted or protected. The most disadvantaged among us are “stuck” with caregivers who are not in a position to be that. Who are so unpredictable and inconsistent because of their mental illness or addiction that we are traumatized and become ill ourselves. Fear dominates our lives. Security is nowhere to be found.
Science comes to the rescue
Scientists have studied this vital connection. The first one was John Bowlby, a British psychiatrist, who initially tried to figure out why maternal deprivation among orphan children so often leads to anxiety, anger, delinquent behavior, and depression. He even produced a report to the World Health Organization in 1950 on the results of his exploration. He was so committed to finding the answer that he embarked on ethology, the science of animal behavior.
In the beginning, Bowlby crossed paths with Konrad Lorenz who studied the principles of imprinting in geese. Lorenz observed that the fledglings instinctively bond with the first moving object they see in the first hour of hatching. Many photos were taken of Lorenz walking, followed by geese, like soldiers who dutifully accompany their commander.
Later on, Bowlby discovered the work of Harry Harlow who experimented on rhesus monkeys. He created inanimate surrogate mothers for the rhesus infants separated from their biological mothers. He made them from wire or wool. He noticed that the baby monkeys always preferred the wool “mother” even when they were hungry and the wire “mother” had a milk bottle. They would quickly drink milk from the wire “mother” and spend most of the time with the wool “mother” for contact comfort, which provided them with a sense of security and protection. Bowlby came to the conclusion that love is all we need, and we can find it in the most improbable places as the experiments with rhesus monkeys indicated. We die without love even when we have food and shelter.
The father and the mother of attachment theory
Because of his work, Bowlby is considered the father of the attachment theory, which states that there is a physiological regulatory mechanism of proximity between an infant and a caregiver that gets activated in situations of perceived distress or alarm. Over time, the caregiver's usual response results in the development of “internal working models”, implicit unconscious memory, that serves as a guide for intimate social relationships. Repeated interactions with the caregiver during the first 2 years of life are “remembered” in the unconscious mind and serve as a template of the self and of the others. The self-model determines how individuals see themselves, which will impact their self-confidence, self-esteem, and dependency. *** The others model affects how one sees others, which impacts one's orientation in social interactions.
Bowlby’s theory was first tested on infants and their mothers by Mary Ainsworth, an American psychologist. She invented a laboratory procedure, the Strange Situation, to assess the quality of infants’ “attachment” to their mothers by empirically evaluating whether and when infants seek proximity and contact with them. After a brief separation from their caregivers, she wanted to examine to what degree infants accept their mothers upon reunion and whether they were comforted by such contact. In addition, she studied whether infants’ exploratory behavior was facilitated by the caregivers’ presence. On the basis of infants’ behavior, Ainsworth was able to identify three different types of attachment relationships with caregivers that involved different forms of communication, emotional regulation, and responses to perceived threats. A fourth type was later identified by her colleague Mary Main. **** Thanks to their work, the current classification of patterns of attachment was established.
Attachment patterns
The most common type is secure attachment (55%) where the child is confident that the parent is available, sensitive, and involved. The child is exploration-oriented and emotionally stable. He soothes easily when distressed. Here the parent attends to the child’s needs for exploration and welcomes his return.
In avoidant, insecure attachment (20%) the child doesn’t show signs of distress when the mother leaves. He avoids contact with her when she returns. Attention is directed toward toys at all times. This style of attachment is the result of consistent parental rejection, lack of warmth, discomfort with negative emotions, and physical contact.
Ambivalent, anxious attachment (10%) is characterized by the high separation distress expressed by crying, and ambivalence at the reunion with the parent, manifested by an alteration between anger and clinging. The origin of this style is believed to be related to the mother’s anxiety and uncertainty, her self-centeredness, and misperception of the child’s needs and signals that lead to intrusiveness and inconsistency.
In disorganized attachment, there is an absence of a coherent strategy for managing anxiety. The child “freezes” on separation and is unable to sustain any organized pattern of behavior at the reunion with the parent. The child’s behaviors may appear bizarre and stereotyped. The documented source for this severe dysregulation is inconsistent and unpredictable caregiving due to mental illness or addiction, witnessing a traumatizing experience that involves the parent, or the caregiver’s abuse of the child. Later researchers extended the attachment theory to adults. During childhood and adolescence, the elements that are the evidence of the existence of the attachment bond (proximity maintenance, safe haven, and security base) have been gradually transferred from parent to peer or partner.
The outcomes of attachment
The main outcome of the attachment patterns is related to the capacity for the regulation of negative emotions (fear and anger). While securely attached individuals are successful in this regard, the individuals who are insecurely attached are not, particularly those who have a disorganized attachment (fearful/unresolved) and most likely suffer from a severe mental disorder. Furthermore, the capacity to have healthy and happy relationships is also affected. What matters most is the love relationship between two adults. Evolutionarily speaking, the bonds of love, consisting of passion, intimacy, and care, are a powerful commitment device for the survival of species. The three components of these “pair bonds” are libido love, romantic love, and companionate love.
Love bonds
Libido love (desire) evolved to motivate us to seek a range of mating partners. It is characterized by a craving for sexual gratification due to the presence of testosterone that activates the hypothalamus, amygdala, and insula. The male libido is constant, visual, and copulation oriented. Following puberty, testosterone level remains steadily high with only a gradual decline with age. Unlike males, female libido is episodic (but intense) and around the moment of ovulation when testosterone levels skyrocket. In addition, sexual desire in women is activated by romantic words, certain odors, and usually after prolonged foreplay.
Romantic love has evolved to motivate us to focus mating energy on a specific partner. It is characterized by a craving for emotional union with that person. The chemistry of romantic love consists of high dopamine presence in the reward circuit in the brain which leads to focused attention; intense motivation; goal-directedness; ecstasy; bliss; craving; and persistence. High norepinephrine leads to excessive energy; sleeplessness; loss of appetite; and memory for details. Low serotonin is associated with obsessive thinking; impulsive behavior; and moodiness. Areas of the brain affected are the activation of the right ventral tegmentum area and right caudate, and the deactivation of the right amygdala. This is how I wrote about this important component of adult love:
“During the falling in love period, we are lost to realistic judgment. We are in a state of intense longing for a loved one to the point that everything else does not matter, regardless of life circumstances and needs. We act irrationally and unpredictably. This condition, fortunately, is usually short-lived. Some even compare it to addiction, because the activation of the chemical dopamine and locations in the brain are the same as in people with cocaine addiction. The high is manifested in the feeling of bliss in the presence of the loved one.” *****
The third stage is companionate love. It is characterized by the achievement of the emotional union in which all three components of the attachment bond are present (proximity maintenance, safe haven, and security base). A love partner is the best friend and companion, commitment to each other is at its highest, with cooperative decision-making, problem-solving, shared interests, frequent positive interaction, and realistic expectations of each other. Passionate sex is relegated to the past and replaced by freer sexual expression and variety. Subtle rewards such as tenderness, understanding, sympathy, affection, support and care abound, thanks to the effect of the “cuddle” hormone oxytocin. It activates the multiple brain regions (substantia nigra, medial insula, anterior cingulate, and lateral orbitofrontal cortex), and deactivates the stress axis of the hypothalamus, pituitary gland, and adrenal glands.
Attachment and healing bonds
With the discussion of companionate love, we have come full circle because we go back to the attachment dynamics written about in the first part of the essay. If we were blessed with secure attachment, companionate love is characterized by longevity and stability, confidence and friendship, support when we are stressed, flexibility in response to conflict, and mutual respect. Here again, I shall cite from my book which describes in detail the struggles and hopes of individuals with insecure attachments as it related to companionate love.
“If the attachment to the mother was insecure and depending on the dominant style, the problems at this stage of love are numerous. For example, in the avoidant style, there is a disinterest in intimacy, frequent breakups and divorces, withdrawal under stress, lack of resolution of conflicts, unwillingness in meeting the needs of the partner, or even a tendency for harassment. This over-reliance on independence and apparent devaluation of intimacy deepens the feeling of loneliness.
The anxious style is dominated by jealousy, frequent separations and reconciliations, concern about rejection, a tendency to control, and self-obsession. There is a dependence on the partner to soothe the fear of loss and the need for attachment. These characteristics are not conducive to a long-lasting relationship, leading to even greater feelings of loss and anxiety.
In the chaotic style, problems are often extreme with a tendency to self-harm, the development of physical ailments, fluctuations between attachment and distancing from the partner, and the manifestation of strong negative feelings of anger, anxiety, depression, and aggressive behavior. None of the strategies succeed in eliminating inner feelings of a traumatic fear, instilled by the influence of a frightened or frightening parent.
How can we help people who love in the ways of suffering and accumulated problems described above? It is not easy, but it is not impossible. First, there must be a desire for insight into attachment-related difficulties. In addition, either formal or informal therapy is needed, which can correct the past and create a new template for a healthy relationship. The desire to have a secure emotional attachment is an innate drive that exists in all of us throughout our lives. During therapy, we work on developing empathy, understanding, adaptive strategies for regulating emotions, flexibility in dealing with conflict, coping with traumatic events and losses, and most importantly, using ordinary situations, problems, and breaks in therapy to acquire adaptive means to overcome attachment-related distress. Therapy can be either individual or together with a partner who is motivated for this kind of demanding therapy. In essence, for successful therapy, the most important aspect is sensitivity to verbal and nonverbal communication and cooperation between the patient and the therapist. Maintain a relationship with empathetic understanding, active listening and respect to ensure that the insecure attachment model of the past evolves or is transformed into a healthier model.” *****
In summary, it is worth noting that we have an inborn need to attach to a caregiver and lover for the sake of individual survival, the survival of species, and personal and spiritual growth. Early experience with a caregiver creates a template for adult close relationships, including love relationships. A secure attachment template is associated with mental health and the capacity to manage negative affects. An insecure attachment template is a risk factor for mental disorders. Therapy can correct the past and create a new template for a healthy loving relationship. Through loving, we experience the essence of another person and achieve a deep connection with the elements of the spiritual union.
** Playing and reality, by D.W. Winnicott, Penguin, 1971
*** A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development, by John Bowlby, Routledge, 1988
**** Patterns of Attachment, by Ainsworth, M., Blehar, M., Waters, E., & Wall, S., Hillsdale, NJ: Erlbaum, 1978
***** Reflections of a psychiatrist, by Zelko Leon, Independently published, 2022
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