Last Chapters of Life
Upon reading one of my written pieces discussing the topic of death, my friend Linda Johansen responded with a comment reflecting on her personal encounters with death related to her occupation as a long-term care social worker. I included her message in the essay Death, Death – So What If It's Death, Let It Be! featured in the book “Reflections of a Psychiatrist” (1). In her note, alongside various other details, she recounted the experiences she had while accompanying numerous individuals and their families during their final moments. What she discovered was that each person and every family confronted the concept of death in a unique way, grappling with unresolved issues that often emerged at the bedside of their departing loved ones.
I assume what she meant was that family dynamics, long-held grievances, and suppressed emotions could no longer be ignored, demanding attention and resolution. Through conversations, individuals sought to mend relationships, seek forgiveness, or express love that had long been left unspoken. In this way, confrontation with death became a catalyst for introspection, healing, and growth.
She went on to elaborate that the majority of these departures from the world of living took place within the nursing home setting, where the timing appeared fitting, involving individuals who had lived out the expected course of their lives. She observed that the elderly harbored less fear of dying than the unsettling notion of being forgotten. Rather than fearing the unknown, their greatest concern centered around the possibility of fading away into obscurity among the ones they knew and loved. Their deepest desire was to make sure that their existence had meaning for their loved ones and that their lives would be remembered and commemorated when they were gone.
Memories That Never Fade
My friend's realization greatly impacted the decisions she made within her own family. As her parents approached the concluding chapters of their life journeys, she made a conscious effort to preserve and honor each memory and tale that had molded their existence.
This reminded me of my mother-in-law who dedicated a tremendous amount of time to the delicate art of preserving photographs, letters, memoirs, and personal artifacts that she meticulously organized, cataloged, and thoughtfully displayed in many folders, evoking a connection to the past. These tangible reminders about the lives of previous generations and the lives of the living family members provided a window into the past, allowing future generations to glimpse into their ancestry. This became a treasure trove, imbued with wisdom, anecdotes, and life lessons, preserved for the enrichment of those who would come after.
My friend further wrote that she made a great effort to consistently remind her parents, while they were still alive, that they would never fade from her memory. She made sure that their lives and all the significant moments would be regularly discussed and cherished. As I read these words, I sensed my friend’s compassionate heart longing to ease any fear her parents had about being forgotten. Through her deliberate action, she aimed to honor her parents’ legacy and make sure that their presence stays alive in conversations among family and friends.
Through her dedication and personal journey, my friend came to an understanding that death is not a finality but an invitation to reflect on the legacy we leave behind. It is an opportunity to celebrate the lives we have touched and to ensure that our existence resonates with meaning for those we hold dear. By embracing memories, preserving stories, and investing in the richness of life, she discovered a sense of purpose that illuminated her own path and most likely inspired others close to her to approach life and death with a shift in perspective.
The Turning Point
Her remark triggered something in me, as I thought about my own existential concerns, the fear of being forgotten and disconnected from the human world. It was a moment of acknowledgment that I had ventured into a dangerous territory, where the sands of time were steadily slipping through my fingers. The realization of mortality and the unidirectional nature of time became more palpable.
During a moment of this reflection, I went back reminiscing about a significant milestone in my life—the year I turned sixty. It was a time filled with celebration, as I marked this occasion in the enchanting embrace of San Francisco, accompanied by my wife and two daughters. However, upon returning home, a realization hit me with the force of a brick thrown in my face—the clock of existence ticked relentlessly, and the reservoir of my healthy years had now become short in supply. This awareness ignited a desire to take meaningful action and leave behind the legacy shaped and nurtured without delay.
I sought to uncover the essence of what truly mattered to me and how I could channel my passions, talents, and accumulated wisdom into something enduring. It became clear that my legacy was about imprinting my values, aspirations, and the lessons learned onto the lives of others.
Confronting Death Anxiety in Yalom’s Books
Inspired by my friend's profound insights into the unnerving notion of being forgotten after we pass into another realm of existence, along with my own introspection, I was intrigued by the perspectives of others on this matter. In my quest, I found the wisdom of the esteemed psychiatrist, Irvin Yalom, whose body of work offered the most interesting writing on this topic.
Yalom's book titled "Staring at the Sun: Overcoming the Terror of Death," (2) addresses the topic of death anxiety, shedding light on the fear of being forgotten once we are no longer alive. He acknowledges the persistent nature of this fear and its potential to permanently influence our existence, especially in later years.
Yalom highlights that the fear of being forgotten has the capacity of directing our decisions and shaping our behaviors. This fear holds the power to influence our relationships and affect our mental and emotional well-being. At the core of Yalom's perspective lies the notion of discovering personal meaning. He believes that if we reveal the authentic priorities that match our core values, follow our passions, and cultivate meaningful relationships, we can live a purposeful life that surpasses the boundaries of our existence in physical forms.
In his exploration of mortality's influence on the human psyche, Yalom draws from his therapeutic work in "Existential Psychotherapy" (3). He illuminates how contemplating our finite existence can kindle a sense of meaning. He suggests that creating a legacy involves more than simply leaving behind material possessions or accomplishments. Instead, it requires a focus on nurturing relationships and contributing to the betterment of society. By fostering meaningful connections with loved ones and actively engaging in acts of kindness and compassion, we are making a lasting impression on the hearts of others.
Additionally, Yalom underscores creative or intellectual legacy. Through artistic expression, intellectual contributions, or the sharing of wisdom and knowledge, individuals can leave behind a legacy that continues to inspire and impact future generations. Especially, He calls attention to the importance of sharing personal experiences and knowledge with others, as it creates a ripple effect that extends far beyond one's immediate sphere of influence.
Crafting a Legacy that Resonates Through Time
After reading Yalom’s books and reflecting upon his words of wisdom, I began exploring avenues through which I could inspire, educate, and empower those around me. Recognizing the allure of storytelling, I began penning my memoir, weaving together my life experiences. Through this narrative, I aimed to report not only the chronicles but also the universal realizations and insights I gleaned along the way. I hoped to encourage others in my circle of influence to embrace their own unique paths and make the most of their limited time on this earth.
Since that pivotal moment, eight years have elapsed, during which I have engaged in the act of writing almost daily. However, it is within the past three years that my literary efforts have intensified, as I plunged into a memoir-style exploration of the multifaceted topics that captured my attention and created my experiences in interacting with the world. The results of my dedication were manifested last year when I published a collection of essays (1).
In 2023 I completed two additional books, which are awaiting their moment of publication. The first among them goes into the details of my career as a psychiatrist. It is a memoir that unearths the essence of my vocation, inviting readers into the intimate recesses of my professional life.
The second book is devoted to the enigmatic nature of fear and the wisdom that lies dormant within its depths. With an exploration of this innate emotion, I weave together personal anecdotes and universal truths, urging readers to confront their own fears and discover the transformative wisdom hidden within.
The words you are currently perusing shall find their place and be integrated into my forthcoming endeavor, dedicated to the contemplation of death. Through memoir-style writing, I seek to explore the truths about this universal phenomenon. Death, the ever-present companion that accompanies us will find its voice in my prose. My intention is to acquaint readers with its omnipresence, exploring the questions it stirs within us and offering some answers that I consider important and enlightening.
In the midst of this contemplative state, I found that thoughts and feeling evoked by discussing the topic of death are not a burden, but rather a source of liberation—a stimulant for a renewed commitment to live authentically and meaningfully. Each passing day is a day to cultivate compassion, leave a positive imprint, and embrace the wonders of existence.
1. Reflections of a Psychiatrist, by Zelko Leon, Independently published, 2022
2. Staring at the Sun: Overcoming the Terror of Death, by Irvin D. Yalom, Jossey-Bass, 2008
3. Existential Psychotherapy, by Irvin D. Yalom, Basic Books, 1980
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