The previous four essays focus on safety within the bounds of caregiving and the vicissitudes of separation when a sense of safety is threatened. Feeling safe is paramount to living and thriving. For the human baby, as for many other animals, the safety is established by forming a strong connection with another human, the one who is around and able to create a safety zone, nurture, and adaptively respond to the baby’s needs for care and protection. Under normal circumstances the mother is in the best biopsychosocial position in this regard. The bonding process begins in utero, almost from the time of fertilization and continues throughout pregnancy, childbirth, and beyond. There are built-in mechanisms that facilitate the formation of this vital emotional lifeline between mother and child. Once formed, any interference with its continued presence results in distress, anxiety, or anger. The infant’s response to its rapture is in the service of maintaining the connection with the mother for the purpose of survival. This instinctive behavior has a goal to repair, restore, or reinforce the trust and bond in the mother-child dyad that means life.
The separation anxiety (distress, anger) is a normal developmental experience, the most prominently displayed between the ages of six to seven months to three years. This period of time is necessary for the child to acquire what is technically called object permanence, the mental representation of the mother, even when she is not present, which helps reduce the distress caused by separation.
Ongoing communication between mother and infant lead to particular styles of interactions in regulating negative emotions, which form the foundation of the child’s core belief system about the self, others, and the world in regards of safety and lack of it. In an essay Life, Love, & Healing Bonds, I wrote about these “attachment patterns” in this way:
As time goes on, we learn everything we need to know about our caregiver. If she’s available when we need her. If she understands and responds to our needs. If she truly cares. Most of the caregivers are consistently available, responsive, and engaged with us. They are sensitive and empathic, so we are in a circle of security with them. However, there are a few who are consistently detached and emotionally unavailable to us. We learn not to depend on them for safety. We are on our own. It is a sad situation, but we adapt. We learn not to expect much from them. Some caregivers are so anxious and unsure of themselves. Their anxiety makes us anxious or angry. Their insecurity gives rise to our insecurity. We hold on to them for dear life because we are always afraid that they would leave and never return. We act like we need to be comforted or protected. The most disadvantaged among us are “stuck” with caregivers who are not in a position to be that. Who are so unpredictable and inconsistent because of their mental illness or addiction that we are traumatized and become ill ourselves (1).
The progressive process of separation-individuation lead to psychosocial differentiation and the gradual transfer of the emotional energy from the mother to the connection with others, such as father, siblings, other family members, friends, mentors, therapists, and lovers. The exclusive connection with the mother which meant life was no longer necessary. Other bonds to different ends become relevant for the survival and prosperity of the individual and the species. For example, bonds of cooperation, collaboration, healing, sexual intimacy, etc. But traces of the original intimate bond to the mother persist and color the future close relationship with others.
If the internal representation of the bond with the mother is characterized by anxiety, this is expressed by the high separation distress with crying, and ambivalence at the reunion with the mother, manifested by an alteration between anger and clinging. Inconsistent responsiveness to child’s emotional needs, lack of empathy, and emotional distance of the mother are some of the important reasons for anxiety to take roots and persist into adulthood. A “feeling felt” (2) is missing and the anxious child is in the hyperdrive in search of this vibratory energy resonance which contains a feeling of safety and security. Adults with an anxious attachment style are often afraid of being alone. They seek intimacy and closeness and are highly emotional and dependent on others. The presence of the loved one is a remedy for their strong emotional needs for safety. They seek closeness and intimacy but simultaneously struggle inwardly if they can fully trust their partner. Fear of abandonment is frequently present and has an impact on their intimate relationships.
I explored these and related topics in the previous four essays, from a personal experiential perspective, in my life and in the lives of those close to me.
(1) https://www.reflectionsofapsychiatrist.com/post/life-love-healing-bonds
(2) The developing mind: Toward a neurobiology of interpersonal experience, by D.J. Siegel, Guilford, 1999
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