THE ROAD WELL TRAVELED

Walking the Line

The weather was delightful – a perfect blend of sunshine and warmth. Eager to enjoy the beauty of Northern Arizona in mid-February, I invited Tina on a leisurely walk. As we strolled along the street, she spotted our neighbor who was engrossed in “phone talk” while walking ahead of us. Tina, in a gesture of connection, waved in her direction. After the neighbor ended her dialogue with the virtual other on the phone, Tina decided to engage in conversation with her. Even though I respected Tina's desire for social interaction, I chose to continue to walk. I crossed to the other side of the street to have more space and a longer route, while still keeping an eye on Tina.

After a short while, our paths with the neighbor diverged. Tina then turned to me and expressed her frustration at my decision to cross the street, deeming it "unneighborly." In the past, I might have acted defensively, but this time, I remained calm and composed. I responded by explaining that my choice to keep walking was motivated by my need to continue, rather than feeling obligated to stop and engage with the neighbor as she did.

Despite my explanation, Tina's frustration lingered. A brief silence filled the space between us before I drew parallels to a long-ago incident in Fargo. In that situation, I attempted to direct her actions by imposing what we should do without asking her opinion. This experience was so important for her that it inspired her to write a blog post about it. By drawing this comparison, I intended to highlight the symmetry in the opposite direction regarding our current predicament. While criticizing me, in my estimation, Tina tried to control my behavior, much like I had done to her in Fargo. Although she disagreed with my perspective, our conversation on this topic continued.  

Tina voiced distress about how our neighbor might view my behavior, framing it as a concern over "What would people say?" She concluded that my decision to cross to the other side of the street was impolite and expected a similar judgment from the neighbor. She thought I should have informed her about my intention to keep walking. In response, I emphasized that if she held such an expectation, reciprocity would be fair play. If she planned to stop and chat with the neighbor, informing me beforehand or even asking if it was okay with me, would demonstrate her recognition that I might have a different need.

Implicit and Explicit Expectations

This incident serves as a demonstration of the impact implicit and explicit expectations have on relationships and their potential to lead to conflicts and misunderstandings. When we anticipate certain actions or behaviors from others, we tend to impose our own needs onto them. This inclination to project our desires is influenced by various factors. While managing oneself falls within our domain, as the locus of control resides in our intentions and the internal forces within our psychological framework, the dynamic shifts when this “will to power” extends to the external world, especially when dealing with other humans. As a result, distress (suffering) may arise, contingent upon our state of mind.

A friend once described how he overcame expectations, leading to his freedom from suffering. He reached a state of mind in which he didn’t expect specific things from others but stayed in a mindset of compassion, love, and gratitude. When he did something for others in this state of mind, it was his gift to the other person, with no strings attached. If the other person did something in return, he felt grateful, but he didn’t harbor any expectations for it to happen. He found that with this type of attitude, he prevented suffering in himself and others.

Freudian Exploration

Let me now enter deeper into my own mind to explore from inside out these well-traveled roads – the pathways of habit that lie within the highways of my brain. Like the roads I travel with my car, these highways, the ingrained behaviors, seem to be used automatically, akin to the smooth ride in my car on a well-maintained freeway. Consequently, I find myself entangled in the ruminative current of expectations, their pull imposed upon my mind or projected onto others. Frustration and anger arise—the emotions of discontent, acting as pollutants in my energetic field. The observant gaze of sensitive individuals detects these disturbances, and a palpable disconnection follows, disrupting the flow of interactions in the relational field. The stage is set; the resistance is encountered.

Now let’s move toward understanding. In this pursuit, I tap into the theory of mind of my intellectual hero, Sigmund Freud, by immersing myself in his insightful spirit. By assimilating his perspectives, I offer an interpretation that resonates with the essence of his theory. In the realm of the mind, where the id, ego, and superego engage in a ceaseless interplay, I feel the powerful presence of my superego—an internalized judge enforcing rules established long ago in the shadows, far away from the radiance of joy and tranquility. My superego is pretty strict. I wouldn’t say punishing, but it expects a lot from me—demands near perfection. It weaves the emotion of guilt into the core of my being as evidence of its diligence.

This superego, stringent and exacting is in a quest for excellence that is not easy to satisfy. Consequently, my divided mind developed a mischievous facet—a rebellious force that endeavors to go around the expectations imposed by this internal moral compass. This mischievous impulse is often expressed through sarcasm or uncharacteristic behavior that surprises, and occasionally disrupts the equilibrium, sometimes to the detriment of those unwittingly caught in its crossfire.

Yet, as I traverse the more frequently traveled pathways of my mind and navigate the terrain of interpersonal relationships, I observe a projection at play—an externalization of my values and ideals onto others, with an undercurrent of a desire to control them. The expectations I hold for myself become mirrored in my expectations of others, and should they fall short, a surge of anger arises, creating a scene for relational discord.

Through the lens of Freudian theory, I could even go deeper to unravel the motivations that propel these inner conflicts, peeling back the layers to reveal the unconscious forces at play in shaping thoughts and actions.

Field of Awakening  

However, I shake off these Freudian spectacles in an attempt to follow a new path – the spiritual one. In the mystical space of the Field of Awakening retreat, I addressed the very seeds of karma residing within me. The spiritual teacher used a simple definition of karma: “You reap what you sow, but many times over.” The karmic mind, an integral part of the psyche, is linked to unresolved states of suffering. These states are perpetuated in future generations, subconsciously steering actions and giving rise to situations that recreate “unfinished businesses” of karma in a person’s life. The seed of the karmic pattern is there to stay and grow depending on the person’s state of mind. According to my spiritual teacher, this seed may have been planted through strong childhood impressions, carried over from past lives, or inherited from our ancestors.

Guided by the wisdom of Indian spirituality, I immersed myself in deep meditation, aiming to transcend the confines of the egoic mind - the narrow and self-centered perspective, which is a source of competition, fear, the need for validation, and much more. Within the heightened state of calm awareness, a revelation unfolded in my mind, illuminating the nature of one of my compulsive behaviors. This intrusive insight unmasked my tendency for micromanagement and a sense of mistrust towards others. Though seemingly tangential, these manifestations are intrinsically connected with the essence of expectations. 

When I find myself engaged in the act of micromanaging, a cascade of expectations unravels. The belief surfaces that others may fall short in fulfilling their responsibilities, prompting my inner drive to intervene by reminding them, or even taking over their tasks and doing them myself. Engaging in such behaviors, originating from the restless anticipation in my mind, frequently generates a dissonance that permeates my being, resulting in feelings of frustration and unease, which can be likened to states of suffering.

A Vision of Liberation

Now, equipped with illumination gained during a deep meditative state, I experienced a sense of freedom from suffering caused by my excessive control tendencies. I promptly put this newfound understanding into action. Instead of reminding my daughter to lock the door at our temporary residence through phone calls or texts, I decided to trust the process and her ability to remember to do so. She did. The following day, when faced with Tina's perceived tardiness for our morning session, I chose once again to trust the unfolding of events. Remarkably, everything proceeded seamlessly, and we managed to be punctual. These brief examples illustrate the shift I underwent by embracing a mindset of listening and trusting the natural flow of life, breaking free from the cycle of inherited mistrust passed down through generations in my karmic lineage from my father and grandfather.

This mindset was simply a temporary state, not a newly paved neural pathway in my brain. Constructing it isn't a simple task; it demands the 4Cs — courage, curiosity, commitment, and compassion toward self — and perhaps a few more Cs or various letters from the alphabet. Yet, the experience was significant and created a first inroad in uncharted mental territory. Soon, Tina and I will go to another Field of Awakening program to further our work on karmic mind elements: saṅkhāras and vāsanās.

So what is my vision? It is full liberation from a state of suffering. It includes helping other people with an open heart, cultivating a deep passion for authentic life, and writing from a place of true inspiration without the need for external validation. I aspire to genuinely manifest the divine spark within me. While I have had glimpses of these desired states of mind, they have been fleeting, mere moments. My overarching vision is to transcend the fleeting nature of these experiences and establish a permanent residence in the elevated realms of compassion, authenticity, and inspiration.