To live in a state of gratitude is a choice and an orientation that I gradually developed throughout my life and professional career. With gratitude, I have acknowledged the goodness in my life and have been paying attention to the offerings that have come my way. Having an “attitude of gratitude” helps me to change time perspective about my past, present, and future. I am capable of returning to positive memories of my childhood, accepting the present with an open heart, and thinking about the future with hope and optimism.
The tale of gratitude
For me, the tale of gratitude connects to the time I first came to this country. The year 1988, in the middle of the summer, across the ocean. I was thrilled of being translocated in spite of the initial disorientation caused by a cultural shock. I woke each day in a state of grace for having been blessed to experience the new world with my eyes wide open. I remember thinking I was in a great place compared to the country I just left.I used to say to myself quietly, “Here's how life should be for everybody.” The people were friendly and helpful, the environment was clean, and there was a feeling of order and respect. A sense of safety and security was in the air. I felt welcomed wherever I went. Living in a state of gratitude has shaped how I interacted with the world around me. This vibrational frequency infused positive energy into the events and circumstances in which I find myself, and my relationships with the people that grace my path. With a grateful heart, it is easy to love, easy to give, and easy to sleep well at night.
I began writing this essay on the last day of the 12 days of gratitude meditation which was put in place by the Ekam, a spiritual organization with the mission to create a shift in human consciousness that leads from stress to peace, from disconnection to connection, from division to oneness so that our planet can be a harmonious space for all of us and for all life. In Arizona, this event was organized and led by spiritual teacher and friend Margaret Joy Weaver. Its purpose was to enhance the feeling of gratitude through the “openings” of 12 petals of “heart chakra” to the power of the field of energy that vibrates with the frequency of love, peace, and compassion. Different connections have been emphasized each day with a culminating point today, an expression of gratitude for the divine presence in and around us. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, the national holiday of gratitude. We celebrate the blessings that have been bestowed upon us and are encouraged to live in harmony within the unified field of which we are all part. Gratitude is one of the powerful expressions of the beautiful state of mind in which we feel a greater presence in life and a richer connection to the people around us.
I feel blessed and grateful for the events I encountered, for the developments I experienced, and for the impact I had on others. In the process of becoming, I went through a qualitative change that led to a new state of existence, my evolving from an undifferentiated “self” into a psychiatric “self.”
Recently, I re-read Deepak Chopra's extraordinary book, Life After Death * and found in it the inspiration for the writing that follows. Namely, there is a place in the book, where Chopra highlights the seven questions that we need to find answers to in order to better understand ourselves (“Who am I?”). I have chosen to appropriate these questions to summarize who I am as a psychiatrist. So let’s start:
My story
Q: What is your story? Your story is more than just a list of events in your life. It is about how you experience yourself, what shaped your mind, and which memories imprinted themselves on you.
A: My story begins with the country and family where I was born and brought up. It was the “golden age” of the newly created state of Yugoslavia. The spirit of the time imbued me with optimism and enthusiasm, the positive energy that I absorbed and carried through my lifetime. I was the second child in the family and my arrival changed the existing dynamics of family relationships. I was a sickly kid, struggling for my life both physically and mentally, which left me with another kind of emotional energy. Light and darkness combined, have created a spectrum of grey coloration reflected in the prism of my being at different wavelengths. There were hidden shadows of anxiety, psychological trauma, and depression in my family, which from time to time raised their “heads.” My intuitive nature has absorbed the energy from this environment, and I became sensitive to the emotional states of others with a dose of compassion, especially towards my mother. I often listened to her stories about her traumatic childhood and limited life choices, which gave me an increased ability to empathize. This “imprinting” encouraged me to become a helper to others to meet their needs, sometimes forgetting to take care of my own. This orientation of my personality led me toward the helping profession. At times, I did not recognize the extent of my commitment to helping others, exposing me to physical burnout, emotional exhaustion, and volatility. So I had to learn that I can only be of true service to others if I am healthy, balanced and centered in myself.
My expectations
Q: What are your expectations? Expectations are seeds. Once planted, they manifest into things we gain from life or lose.
A: I learned to expect nothing short of perfection in whatever I do. Becoming all that I could be, was a guiding principle for me. I pushed myself driven by my inner “high standards” of performance. When I became aware of my own unrealistic expectations, I discovered the second law of thermodynamics, that the universe naturally slides toward disorder, which is the enemy of perfectionism. The more perfect I wanted to be, the more energy I needed to expand into a Sisyphean never-ending battle against the pull of entropy. I had to change and redistribute my limited energy supply and use it for the things that matter and let go of many “mountaintops” for others to climb or for them to “crumble” carried by the tide of time.
In the parallel process, I learned not to wait for other people's help and to rely on my own internal resources and ingenuity. This “core belief” was a consequence of the disappointment brought about by broken promises and unrealistic expectations from others to meet my needs. The seed sprouted and led me to be wary of the abilities or will of others to do the job. I often checked other people out of the conviction that they would not be responsible or motivated enough to do what had to be done unless I “push” them. This germinated seed was so ingrained that I had difficulties removing it, but my spiritual practice and mystical experience helped me to change and free myself from the “micro-management mind” by accepting assistance from the divine source and by extension aid from others with a dose of trust.
My purpose
Q: What is your purpose? This is the meaning you’re trying to find. Purpose runs deeper than the superficial things we hope to get, which mostly center on money, possessions, status, and comfort. If you know your purpose, you know the deeper projects to which your life is dedicated.
A: Recently, I became interested in astrology and discovered that the astrological planet representing the “wounded healer” is located in my zodiac circle and energetically connected to other planets in a way that directs my life path toward helping others. Being aware of the hurt places within me, motivated me to find a way to heal myself and develop compassion to assist others. This “astrological reading” was confirmed in a conversation with my wife regarding the archetype. ** She asked me which archetype I identify with the most. Without hesitation, I answered with the archetype of a healer. I knew from an early age that I wanted to be a physician. I even bought a book on anatomy which was used in medical school, while I was still a student in elementary school. With enthusiasm and focus, I pursued the goal that led me to study medicine. In my first year of medical school, I decided to become a psychiatrist and immediately devoted myself to this career. Also, through my spiritual practice, I discovered that on a deeper level the essence of my life purpose is to bring people together. As is written in my report *** I identify the most with the integral worldview in which the universal, existential concerns—such as life and death, self-actualization, global awareness, and supporting the ongoing evolution of all human beings are of the utmost importance, because we are all interconnected into one bioecological system. In my profession, I utilize positive psychology and psychiatry approach that enhances resilience, optimism, wisdom, social support, and the patient’s inherent capacity for flourishing. The evidence-based studies identify these primary tools: adopting a positive orientation, harnessing strengths, mobilizing values, cultivating social connections, and optimizing healthy habits. **** Therefore, empowering each individual to assume authority over his or her life is ultimately aligned with wider systems that support coherence and prosperity. I keep in mind the state of wellness, based on the predominance of positive emotions, the presence of rewarding relationships, and the absence of suffering. The river of integration related to optimal mental health is guided by awareness, kindness, compassion, and love.
My destination
Q: What is your destination? This is about fulfillment. Human goals are endless, they unfold, not like a road that has an end but like a river that flows to join the sea, merging with ever-increasing possibilities. If you know your destination, you can envision your highest fulfillment.
A: I have achieved many objectives associated with my profession of psychiatry. I have worked in two countries, in a variety of settings, treated many patients, and helped students, trainees, colleagues, and others. I have experienced recognition both internally and externally. I have been successful in dealing with issues, disappointments, and other difficulties.I have broadened and deepened my knowledge with an ongoing tendency to always do better. I work with a fresh mind, and zeal suitable for my age, experience, and abilities. My “river” is still flowing and bringing new water to the ocean, which is a collective reservoir that is expanding every day and increasing its capacity for the benefit of humanity.
My path
Q: What is your path? Once you have identified the purpose and destination, there must be a way to get there. Everyone follows certain ways to get where they want to go.
A: I followed the usual path but also had many detours to get to my destination. The usual “well-traveled roads” were related to medical studies and specialization in neuropsychiatry at the prestigious School of Medicine in Belgrade, Serbia. It was relatively easy, although I waited three years to start the residency training program. A detour was the study of psychology. This was not necessary, but I opted for comparative studies (medicine and psychology) to expand the knowledge and range of interests that encompass the field of philosophy of which psychology is only one of many branches. I never regretted it, and I was grateful for the circumstances that enabled me to take this opportunity. Another much bigger detour was coming to America and repeating the residency training, this time only in psychiatry. I was grateful because during the second training I worked and studied like never before in my life. I also benefited from mentoring, collaboration with colleagues, and support from friends. I had the opportunity to pursue an academic career in which I fulfilled the intellectual need for research and the desire to teach and transfer knowledge and experience to others.
My adversaries
Q: Who are your adversaries? Forward motion is never without obstacles. On your path, you will find yourself blocked. At times the adversary is external, but if you examine yourself deeply, you will find it is always internal as well.
A: The obstacles were numerous. Many of them were external. The greatest was related to the almost super-human efforts related to fulfilling all the requirements to come and stay in America. Seven years of my life were dedicated to this process. During this time, I experienced many compromises and adaptations that were needed to successfully overcome this obstacle. As for the internal ones, they were related to excessive dedication to work and neglect of other obligations and personal needs. I had difficulties saying no when it was necessary, which eventually led to extreme exhaustion.Leading a balanced lifestyle has been the greatest challenge. I increased awareness of its existence and the powerful influence against its implementation arising from the ego's desire for perfection. I learned at my own expense that inflexibility is the most exhausting state of mind. On the other hand, entering the flow of life in an adaptive "homeostatic" way is at the same time empowering and liberating.
My allies
Q: Who are you are allies? We all bring others with us on our journey. Just as your adversaries did, you may identify these allies as external, but they only reflect your own inner strength, just as an opponent reflects your inner vulnerability.
A: My allies, the inner strengths, are linked to a strong orientation and commitment to achieving a goal, a capacity for compassion, and a sincere desire to help others, especially the ones with mental health problems. Early on, I recognized that building a therapeutic relationship with the patient is the most important part of healing. Here I follow Carl Rogers’s approach adhering to transparency without hiding behind a professional or personal façade, unconditional positive regard demonstrated by attentive listening without interrupting, judging, or giving advice; and the sincere desire to understand and respect the opinions and wishes expressed by the patient. My optimistic nature has often helped me and others not to succumb to hopelessness and helplessness.
My biggest external allies have been my wife and my children. They allowed me to be vulnerable, intimate, and relaxed, when necessary. With their support and understanding, I am able to recharge the “batteries” I need for optimal functioning. My wife is my co-worker too. We are currently members of the same professional organization and are able to discuss patients and other clinical issues, which has enriched the repertoire of tools I use in my work.
The end
The questions are answered. The writing is completed. I hope the template I used to recapitalize my life as a psychiatrist piqued your interest in applying it to your life in the process of understanding who you are. You can use it whether it is related to your profession or not. Let me refer to the words of Deepak Chopra, one more time. He writes: “We go through life making who we are. The decisions we make determine how life proceeds. The choice is the hand that shapes the raw clay of a person.” * With these wise words, I leave you with the encouragement of making good choices that will help shape your “sculpture” in a manner that satisfies your moral and aesthetic taste and lead you to the fulfillment of your life purpose.
* Life After Death: The Burden of Proof, by Deepak Chopra, Harmony Books, 2006
** The notion of the archetype is related to Karl Jung and his understanding of the psyche. Namely, he believes that the entire human mind is not just a product of personal experiences, but that it possesses pre-personal elements that we are born with and that are universal, and unrelated to a specific culture and time period. It could be said that archetypes are psychic organs that were formed before birth and are necessary for the healthy functioning of the individual. For a deeper understanding, I recommend Jung's book Archetypes and the Collective Unconscious.
**** Using the tools of positive psychiatry to improve clinical practice, by Samantha Boardman, Rosemary Odem, and Jeffrey A. Lam, Current Psychiatry, 2022, 21(10):17-19
In reflecting on each of your answers to Chopra's questions, it inspires me to take the time to do the same. We could all benefit from the exercise.