WHAT IS A MAN?

In Search for the Authentic Voice of Womanhood

Recently, my daughter posted a text titled "What is a Woman?" in which she reflects on her experience of being a woman in a society designed by men, for men. She feels it viscerally, existentially, in the core of her being. Her words convey this “primal scream” of desperation. She writes:

“In my darkest days, the feeling that I keep coming back to is that I was not made for this world. It is a pain that I feel more deeply than anything else. Or that this world was not made for me. Everything feels wrong, cruel, devoid of any meaning that echoes my sensitivity. I am always searching for a reason to exist. A purpose that explains why I am here and what I am meant to bring to the world” (1).

She rejects the feminist revolution, the fight for equality with men because it overlooks female-specific experiences. In her view, feminists have missed the point of what is the authentic voice of a woman by emphasizing gender-neutral or gender-blind approaches.

She strives to empower herself as a woman in her own right, using her dream and a quote from the book “The Way of the Rose” to illuminate her perspective. In both her dream and the quoted passage, there is a theme of destruction juxtaposed with hope symbolized by the pregnancy of a woman. In her dream, it is she who is pregnant, while in the book, Mary of Guadalupe represents hope for humanity through her life-giving ability.

Lessons in Chemistry

By the power of synchronicity, I just finished watching the Apple TV mini-series “Lessons in Chemistry,” which, for me, illustrates some of the points my daughter made in her text. The prime example of the position of women in American societies in the 1950s and 1960s is this show based on the book of the same title by Bonnie Garmus, featuring a young woman, Elizabeth Zott, masterfully portrayed by Brie Larson.

Elizabeth is a chemist who was prevented from attaining a Ph.D. degree after the attempted rape by a male professor. She defended herself by stabbing him in the abdomen with a pencil. The university administration didn’t want to deal with this incident properly and attempted to hush her voice by telling her that they would allow her to enroll in the Ph.D. program if she dropped the charges against the tenured professor. She didn’t, and as a consequence, she was expelled from the university.

In the TV series, we find her employed by the Hastings Research Institute as a lab technician, serving coffee and handling other requests from exclusively male chemists with Ph.D. degrees. They asked her to help them when they couldn't solve certain problems because they knew about her knowledge and smartness. Her boss demanded that she participate in a fashion contest with other women employees, and when she refused, he threatened to fire her. She was noticed by a star chemist named Calvin Evans, who was unlike any other chemist at Hastings. Even though he acquired acclaim and was treated by the Institute administration with kid gloves, he still was insecure in his ability to produce what was required of him.

He immediately recognized the brilliance of Elizabeth and was attracted to her. He tried to get closer to her, but because of her sexual trauma, she didn’t trust any men and always required open doors when they were working together in the lab. At one point, Calvin forgot to leave the doors open, triggering a trauma-based response in Elizabeth. This led to her breaking off their collaboration. Calvin was confused and profusely apologized multiple times. Finally, Elizabeth agreed to continue the important work they were doing. Gradually, they developed a romantic relationship. Calvin treated her as an equal. He was aware of the power discrepancy between them. He supported her in presenting their research findings to the board of directors, who vehemently refused to recognize her, believing that if she were put as a first author, the breakthrough research they were doing would never be published, and Hastings wouldn’t receive the grant they needed.

Calvin and Elizabeth continued to work together. She acquiesced to the demands of the board of directors and asked Calvin to be the first author because she believed the project was too important to be abandoned. He grudgingly agreed. In the second breath, he asked her to move in and live with him. She accepted but told him that she didn’t want to get married or have children. He, on the other hand, wanted the opposite. He respected her wishes, indicating that their relationship was the most important thing in his life.

After a few months of blissfulness, he suddenly tragically died in a traffic accident. She was devastated. On top of this tragedy, she lost her job at Hastings Institute, and her research work was stolen by two male chemists who received recognition for it. She decided to continue her research by converting her kitchen into a lab and obtaining income by providing advice to former colleagues in return for compensation.

She soon discovered that she was pregnant and hoped that vigorous physical activity would result in losing the pregnancy, but it didn’t. Her neighbor, a black woman, was the only support she had. In a very kind and gentle way, the neighbor supported Elizabeth to keep the pregnancy, which she did. Elizabeth didn’t know how to care for the baby, and once again, her neighbor gently taught her how to navigate this unwanted role.

In the next seven years, Elizabeth applied her chemical acumen to create the most elaborate, healthy meals to feed her daughter. It is obvious that they are very close. Elizabeth supports her daughter in becoming an independent, self-confident woman. Her daughter was enrolled in the first grade at the local public school. Because her daughter was extremely smart, the teacher called Elizabeth and informed her that she didn't fit in with the other children in the class. The teacher suggested that she needed to attend a private school to be properly challenged academically. Although Elizabeth didn't have the money for it, she realized that the teacher's advice was the right one.

By coincidence, she was approached by the producer of a TV show who offered her a lucrative job as a cooking show host. Initially, she didn't want to accept the offer, but due to the need for money to afford private school, she agreed and almost instantly became popular. The owner of the TV station wanted her to behave like a typical woman of the 1950s, subservient and accommodating to her husband, but Elizabeth refused. Although the owner considered firing her, he gave up on that idea because the ratings of her program were skyrocketing because of her show.

Breaking Barriers

I will stop here from further narrating this impactful TV series to draw connections to my daughter’s text. There were always exceptional women who served as role models for others due to their inner power, despite the awful external circumstances. The role of Elizabeth’s male romantic partner is also relevant in this story. He supported her to continue on her path, recognizing all her qualities and not feeling threatened by her, which might be a typical male reaction to a smart and capable woman.

His death in the TV series may symbolically indicate that she no longer needed his help. Despite the terrible circumstances that followed Calvin’s death, she was able to quickly regroup and become a confident, self-assured role model for other women.

Another symbolic event was that Elizabeth was unwittingly impregnated by Calvin. Even though she initially refused her pregnancy, she eventually embraced her life-giving role, and her daughter became the most important part of her life.

At the beginning of her life journey, she attempted to assimilate into the male-dominated world but faced repeated humiliation and rejection. Embracing her newfound power as a woman capable of giving birth and preparing meals for her daughter, she experienced exponential growth in her emotional and social capacities. Eventually, she became a role model, empowering other women to follow suit. She learned to trust others and build a community that included both wonderful men and women. In the end, we find her completing her heroine's journey as a chemistry professor, imparting knowledge to students. Her teachings bring together the subject of chemistry with her own life lessons, creating a storyline imbued with meaning and deep wisdom.

In the Shadows of Equality

Now, let's again return to Simone’s text 'What is a Woman?' After I read it, I commended her for what she had written. I indicated that it stood out for me because of its visceral nature. Her expression of thoughts and feelings about womanhood in the modern world was direct, open, personal, and expressive. I congratulated her courage and creative spark in crafting such an impactful piece of literature.

I have to admit, her text intrigued me and prompted me to reconsider my views and experiences on this topic, but from the perspective of being a man. I grew up in a society where the political regime proclaimed gender equality. I observed the presence of women in political life and professions that allowed them to develop their careers based on talents and abilities. During my schooling, I was not aware of any gender-based partial treatment. The high school principal was a woman, many of my professors were women, and when I enrolled in medical school, there were more women than men. Pregnancy was protected by law, as well as the care for the child after birth. Guaranteed benefits for women included 18 months of paid leave and a job to return to, allowing them to fully dedicate their time and body to nurturing the new life they brought into the world. Abortion was legal and confidential as a fundamental right of women to reproductive health and body autonomy.

The above observations occurred during my formative years in the late 1960s and throughout the 1970s. Did my views align with reality, or was I oblivious to the true nature of the positions and treatment of women who breathed air pumped by machinery designed by men?

Certainly, I have read books, watched movies, and heard stories about the unequal treatment of women. I have witnessed it in my own family. My father assumed the traditional role of provider and enforcer of rules dictated by the script he had to follow. Similarly, my mother embraced her traditional role, taking care of my brother and me, as well as managing the household. After she married, she never had a job and was not encouraged to pursue education or a career outside the home.

In the end, I concluded that there was a noticeable gap between the gravitational pulse of the patriarchal society of the past and the proclaimed ideals written in the constitution regarding gender equality. 

In the Mind's Rear-view Mirror

Still, I was not guided by these traditional roles. Contrary to societal expectations, I experienced gender bias within my psyche, but in the opposite direction - one that leans towards a preference for women over men in various facets of life. While in my earlier years, I had male friends, even close ones, my inclination shifted toward women when I started dating my first wife. Since then, I found it significantly easier to relate to women's sense and sensibilities. In my professional career as a psychiatrist, my patients were predominantly women, and I could experience a stronger connection with them compared to my male patients. In the clinic where I currently work, I am surrounded by exclusively female staff—thirteen of them, to be exact. In social circles, I find it easier to engage in conversations with women than with men, feeling more at ease in their presence. In yoga classes, I am often the only male participant, which doesn’t bother me a bit. I feel very comfortable in the female friends’ circles of my wife. 

I have always thought that the ability of a woman to conceive and bring forth new life is so wonderful and special that I feel envious of her aptitude. I couldn’t fully grasp why this exquisite life-giving potential of women easily goes unnoticed or is diminished, instead of being valued and elevated in a way that empowers women. On this, I completely agree with my daughter, who emphasizes this feminine characteristic as something exceptional and valuable, akin to divine creation, magic, connection with nature, and the essence of life force.

With these sentiments flooding my mind, I am deeply disturbed by the way women have been and still are treated in most countries, including American society. I am genuinely appalled by the implied power that men often wield and abuse in their interactions with women.

Third Chakra Energy – The Inner Strength

To better understand this dynamic not from a cultural or societal perspective, but from a spiritual one, I will introduce the concept of chakras. They are energy centers in a subtle body that envelops the physical body.  Many wisdom traditions all over the world believe that chakras play a very important role in a state of wellness. A subtle body consists of energy channels that are connected by nodes called chakras. Traditionally, it is postulated that our energy body contains seven chakras vertically connected from the bottom of the spine to the top of the head.

I was introduced to chakra teachings through my practice of yoga. In more recent times, I have been involved with Ekam, the oneness program from India. One of the teachings I follow is called Manifest. Once a month, the guru Sri Preethaji comes online to introduce a topic for the month. A few days ago, she spoke about the power of the third chakra, which I think relates well with the ideas discussed in this text.

The third chakra, also known as Manipura in Sanskrit, is located in the upper abdomen, in the area between the navel and the sternum. The color associated with this chakra is yellow, and its element is fire. The third chakra is associated with personal power, self-esteem, confidence, and motivation. It governs our sense of identity and individuality. It is the source of transformation, action, and self-determination.

When this chakra is well-balanced, its energy gives us courage, confidence, and strength. We project this state for the benefit of others. However, when this chakra is distorted, it can give rise to two very different states.

The state of deficiency involves experiencing oneself as inferior and feeling less than others. Here the internal fire of this chakra is barely present. On the opposite end, the excessive energy in this chakra may lead to dominance, control, and aggression. An uncontrolled burning of the fire manifests as an inflamed sense of self that heads toward arrogance, superiority, and diminishing others.

In today's world, lots of men end up feeling overly aggressive and focused on their importance, which stems from the distorted activity in the third chakra. Instead of using their power to help others, they often try to boost their ego and put down others, especially women who have been oppressed for centuries and have lost their inner strength and confidence. Women’s third chakra is frequently blocked and as a result, they feel insecurity, helplessness, anxiety, and self-doubt.

Personally, as a man in the current society, I am aware that I have been given the “will to power,” as Friedrich Nietzsche would say, just for being a man.  I have gained awareness that I need to be very careful and not misuse this power for narcissistic purposes. Because of my practice of yoga and meditation, I have learned how to activate and balance this chakra by using specific yoga postures and guided meditations. In my psychiatric training, I have acquired skills in how to express the power of the third chakra in a balanced way through collaborative decision-making, active listening, and assertive communication with others. Even though I rarely use affirmations myself, I recommend them to my patients. For the balancing of the third chakra, these positive statements have been very helpful: "I am confident and powerful," "I trust my inner wisdom," "I am worthy of success," and "I take action with courage and determination" (2).

What is a Man?

In the end, I will offer the answer to the question of this text by stating that perhaps the best way to be a man in current times is to acknowledge the implicit power granted to men, and to utilize this power to support women in their pursuit of prosperity, to help them realize their full potential, to shield them from abuse, and to encourage them to embrace womanhood, feminine wisdom, and the life-giving force they possess.

1. https://simoneleon.substack.com

2. The psychology of change: Self-affirmation and social psychological intervention, by Cohen, G. L., & Sherman, D. K., Annual Review of Psychology, 65: 333-371, 2014